balance.

balancing a boyfriend and a before-there-was-boy life can be hard. i think anyone would agree. i like to think i'm doing a good job at it, still going on "dates" with my girlfriends, bringing my roomate to openings rather than him and making it to happy hour and girl's nights when i don't have work conflicts. through it all, i feel like i'm missing out on a lot of stuff with my friends and although they don't say it, i'm getting silent grief for it. december has just been so crazy with restaurant openings, christmas parties for work and fun, birthdays, work dinners and everything, i feel like i can barely breathe and that i'm losing touch. maybe it's just me being stressed about the holidays and paranoid. when i get back from break, i start teaching classes and things start getting crazy with the spring issue of the magazine. should i stay at the mag? or be a teacher? am i too serious with H too soon? or is this amazing relationship exactly as it should be? am i where i'm supposed to be? through the dizziness that has become this month, these questions are making my head swell.

anywho....i had a great weekend, mainly spent with H (which i guess doesn't show good social balance- oops- but i didn't see him but once last week). double-dating, going to a restaurant's soft-reopening, attending a charity event (in which i got drunk and was later carried to bed), cooking, watching movies, laying in bed almost all day sunday and watching hours of the discivery channel. and tonight we have my work christmas dinner! hope H isn't tired of me =)

hoorah- neiman marcus just sent me a very cool christmas present, their pop up book!!! do i really want to give up my job perks to be a teacher? hmmm. i think so.

platonic friends

i have two very close guy friends that have stepped up as the brothers in my life since my actual brother has done a very poor job. one has been in my life for 5.5 years, the other for 4, so they have been around for a lot. i'm not a girl who has lots of guy friends. just a handful really...but these two are my rocks. so loyal that it makes the guys i date wonder. they do a good job of befriending boyfriends in order to make them feel comfortable. H seems very wary of the situation though, which i can understand since i don't know how i'd feel if the tables were turned, but it's hard to explain to him still. yes, i dated one of these guys for a few months when i was 18. we haven't kissed in 5 years though, or even come close. i keep assuring H of this. that there are no feelings....but he doesn't get how a guy could sleep on my couch and not be tempted to come upstairs. haha. hopefully in time he'll learn to love these guys too and understand that sometimes things are completely platonic.

2007 awards!

i got these off my friend's myspace...may be a little early for a 2007 recap, but i'm bored at work, so here goes nothing...

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR?
would have to go with the roommate...ecspecially on our monday nights!

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)?
ashley m =)

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND?
the whole AHH/dtownwinnas group

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
can't choose just one- changing jobs, moving to addison, summer, friends visiting from out of town, halloween weekend =)

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
march

6) BEST HOLIDAYS?
4th of july at the lake and labor day in michigan

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2007?
hmmmm...i dunno, ay bay bay!

8) MOVIE FOR 2007?
across the universe & knocked up

9) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
ash h at magic time machine, then the ex (but we didn't do anything!)

10) BEST RELATIONSHIPS?
the ashleys, the AHH crew, mandi & tori, as of recently H AND my mommy!!!

11) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
a bee

12) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
cafe miso and houlihans

13) KISS OF THE YEAR?
H =) ...on my birthday at midnight

14) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
breaking up with the ex

15) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
become a teacher!

16) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
smoking. ew. and letting everyone leave me at a bar and then riding home with people i don't know!

17) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
gossip girl. xoxoxox =)

18) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
my mom!

19) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
becoming so close with my big group of friends and thus falling in love with dallas finally!

20) BIGGEST douchbag AWARD?
most guys mentioned in this blog...like, the ex!

21) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
be patient and more understanding

christmas cards

meowy christmas from kirbi and keelee!!!

last night ashley and i wrestled with my cats for a long time to take their annual christmas card picture. yes, i take a picture of my cats in front of the tree, insert it in a card and send it to all my relatives so they are assured that i am a crazy cat lady. after lots of running away, fighting with bells and about 10 shots, above it what i got (i am getting a new camera from santa, thank goodness!). after the "photo shoot" i talked to H on the phone, telling him how at least as my cats get older they'll be better at posing for their picture. he said "well, next year we'll just send out a card with our picture." next year i'll be sending joint christmas cards with H? what?! isn't that something people do when they are married?

24

i think i possibly had the best birthday ever! a midnight bubble bath, a morning at the spa from H, sushi lunch, shopping with the roomie, a surprise visit from an amazing friend, dinner with my favorite dallas people and dancing and drinking till 2 am with some of my best friends. it was perfect. i think i am at a point in life where i am unbelievably lucky...i am extremely close to my parents, grandparents and cousins, have amazing friends both near and far and have met an incredible guy. my job is cool, but i have an opportunity to have a different career and all the means to make it happen. i live with one of my best friends. my best friend in the world has been with me through everything for almost a decade! my boyfriend is uncomparable. and all kinds of things that used to bother and upset me don't really seem to matter anymore. life is good. in my 24th year i plan on complaining less and being grateful more. there's too much to be grateful for to not be that way =)

unwanted emotions...

the whole being an emotional girl thing can get VERY annoying at times. i find myself getting on my own nerves all of the time and asking myself why i am crying. like, last night. for no reason i started crying while talking on AIM to my best friend...i suddenly was set on changing my career (still am, but more on that in a later post), missed college and randomly started looking at pictures of the ex. i was a mess and had brought about my own tears. i have been thinking about college a lot lately and how different everything is. i thought i had moved past missing it and had come to the point where i just miss a few people, but last night i was missing the whole experience. and, the ex comes with that experience, so it made sense to think about him too. then we started texting and then, of course, i started questioning how everything went wrong with him and us.

just when i thought i was gonna burst, H called. all my tears sucked themselves back into my tear-ducts and i was suddenly fine. it was amazing. =) and when he came over to watch a movie, i didn't think about my sad thoughts again, until once i was about to drift to sleep i whispered in his ear "please don't leave me." he grabbed by face, looked me in the eyes and said "i never plan to."

i wish i could let go of all the insecurities i harbor and realize how good i have it. that the ex breaking me in the course of my life, won't really matter. why do we let our emotions run away with us and let things that don't matter control us?

my wish list.

happy birthday to me in just 5 days! i LOVE my birthday, as silly and vain as that may be, i really love it. i usually spend the day before in fear that it will suck, pout a bit (ok, a lot, but only to myself) when i don't get a cake and overall i have the whole "it's my party i can cry if i want to" attitude.

so, yep, birthdays are a big deal. the ex knew this and made sure to at least pretend mine was as a big deal to him as it was to me. he always took me to a movie, dinner or shopping, went to my party and was just overall very cooperative with the whole childish fantasy i have about how a birthday should be. maybe i am selfish about my birthday, but it's MY birthday and to me that is justified. i fully support others making huge deals out of their birthdays too.

so, here is my non-tangible item birthday list for this year:

- patience. i could really use some, so if someone could wrap some of theirs up and deliver it my way, that would be amazing!
- my computer to live. it has been alive for almost a whole year, which is strange for me and any electronic device. maybe my phone could survive all year too!!!
- my love life to stay completely intact. right now, it's perfect, so here's hoping it just gets better! =)

ok....i really can't think of much i want or need that i can't make happen on my own. like, losing 5 pounds or something. haha. so, nevermind on this whole non-tangible list thing. i just want 24 to be fun and stressfree. 21 was a good year. i hope it's like that! 23 has been a little too back and forth for my taste.

but, a cake would be nice too! ;)

gossip.

surprisingly enough, gossip was never a problem in college. my friends knew when something i told them was a secret and when it was ok to talk about without me around. and i had the same respect for them.

in dallas, that doesn't seem to always be the case. more often that not, one of my friends will tell me something they heard about me from another one of our friends. this doesn't apply to everyone here, but it's just never been like this for me. i've never felt that i need to sensor myself or start every sentence with "please don't share this with anyone."

and i often have my friends tell me our other friends secrets and say "don't tell her you know this..." maybe i should just start saying "ok, then just don't tell me!"

it's not like this is suddenly becoming some big problem, it started with those rumors over the summer and how people's words were getting mixed up....but it's just something i'm noticing a lot again. i need to be careful who i say things around. big time. which sucks.

so long november...

november was amazing, for the obvious reasons and the not-so-obvious reasons.

obviously- everything with H
not-so-obviously- i completely moved on from the ex

obviously- the magazine came out
not-so-obviously- i finally decided i am content with my career

obviously- i spent a long time with my family
not-so-obviously- i realized how much i have grown up this year

obviously- december (my favorite month!) starts tommorow
not-so-obviously- i never thought i'd be excited to turn 24 (seems old!) but i am excited!!!!

so, yes, this month was great and i cannot wait for the next one. 31 days till 2008...wow.

deal breakers

i was reading the comment board on one of my favorite blogs ( http://www.glamour.com/sexmen/blogs/alyssa) and somehow the topic shifted to "deal breakers" when finding a partner. i thought many of theirs were pretty funny and got to thinking about what mine would be. i think mine have changed a lot, which is to be exspected, and some things i definitely have just learned to tolerate with guys (for one, smoking. i hate it, but won't let it be a deal breaker). so...here's my list:

1. lives with his parents
2. always drunk
3. bad hygiene
4. overly motivated by money/talks about it too much
5. talks down to people
6. cusses too much
7. litters
8. doesn't like animals
9. acts different around his friends
10. not consistent

that's all i can come up with for now. luckily H doesn't have any of those. he's not perfect though, which i found out last night after waiting hours for him while he was at work and therefore didn't get to go on the "perfect date" he had planned. night ended well though and everything was resolved, which is all that really matters.

three years to freedom.

the ex and me on my 22nd birthday (does it look like i'm strangling him?)

almost 2 years later... H and me (and a few of his coworkers) at his work party a week ago.

strange how much can change in through the years, ecspecially when you can vividly recall what your life was like at each point.

three years ago i was juggling guys, semi-dating a guy who was too nice for his own good and had yet to meet the ex. i was about to turn 21 and was a little (very) wild and very happy and carefree. had yet to have my heart broken severely.

two years ago i was with the ex (see picture above), thought i'd met the man i'd one day marry, but was putting up with a lot of shit i didn't need to be putting up with. i was happy yet terribly unhappy all at the same time. that picture makes me look pretty darn happy though...guess i didn't know how things would crash in 2 months.

one year ago i was freshly back with the ex. he was amazing, adoring and most of all- fun! i was hopefull (and blind) and looking forward to a weekend with the ex. and a few months of bliss...that would predictably not last.

now, i am realistic. happy. optimistic. but, the ex won't leave me alone! he can't crack me now and maybe he is just trying to be nice, but calling me two days in a row just to hear about my thanksgiving, inviting me out with his friends and texting me "i miss you carrie" just doesn't seem right for a guy with a girlfriend. i'm his ex too! i'm the girl he thought he'd marry too! how is this fair to his girlfriend? H knows the situation (well, most of it) with the ex and would rather me not see him. wasn't planning on it, but i don't mind him not wanting me to. as he said "i trust you. just not him. he's clearly not over you."

i think the ex is over me...he just doesn't want me to be over him. and i am. completely. thank you H!

cat lady...or wife?

last night my roommate and i decorated our christmas tree. when we were done, we realized how eclectic is was. blue bulbs, texas a&m ornaments, wooden santas, cheap little things we bought in college and lots and LOTS of cat ornaments. i'd say there are about 15 cat ornaments on our tree. does that officially qualify us as cat ladies? one day, when i have children, are they going to be decorating the tree and say "mom, why do you have so many cat ornaments?" i mean, hopefully keelee and kirbi will be around to meet my babies, so it won't be so strange. cats live about 10 years i think. the way H talks, if we had kids, my kitties will grow up with them!!! (scary, i know).

speaking of reproducing, and hence, getting married, a group of my close girlfriends and i were talking about it over dinner last night. one of them said she bets i'm engaged within a year. but then she said she can't really see me getting married, let alone being engaged. like, she just can't imagine that. i don't know if i should be offended by that or not. i always thought i'd get married straight out of college just like everyone else in my family! so, to me, being engaged at 24 doesn't seem so far fetched. then, i guess married at 25. it's not like i'd be packing up my life and moving far away for a husband. i'd be here. all that would change would be my maritial status and well...ok, everything would change. the more i think about it though, the more i'm ready. is H completely changing me??? could i go from cat lady to wife in a year?

worth waiting for

i haven't written in almost two weeks, mainly because i spent the last 8 days at my parent's house. as nice as getting away was, it almost felt like too long. there came a point where I desperately wanted to be back in dallas with my friends and H. maybe going home for that long isn't neccesary. as much as i love my family, this is my home and i need downtime here too.

everything with H is still amazing, even nearly a month after it all began. i'm scared of getting hurt, but i'm beginning to trust him and trust that the outcome with him won't necessarily be bad. i am finally starting to get on the same page as him about everything with us. after only a month, these emotions seem fast, but they are real. very real. i'm not sure how in only a month i am suddenly in a serious relationship with a very tangible future. it's happening though and i'm not going to stop it or question it. it all feels so natural and right. even the cheesy texts and emails H sends me are starting to grow on me. could this be it? i'll be honest, we've talked about it. i've been "dating" guys for about 12 years...this was the one worth waiting for.

i found this amusing...ecspecially the scientific meanings:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate

different planets, same birthday

here is a long overdue picture of kirbi and me on halloween! he doesn't look too excited...

today is the ex's and H's birthday. four years apart and worlds apart. yet, same birthday and same zodiac. here's a personality profile i found for people born today:

You crave stability in most aspects of your life, including your career and home life. However, your love life is rather dramatic. You are a passionate person who lives for the drama of love and romance, which may not be immediately apparent. People often turn to you for advice. You are an insightful and perceptive person, and you have many creative talents and hobbies. Inventive and original, you need freedom of movement and thought in your career in order to feel fulfilled.

strange thing is, although the ex and H come from different planets, the things above ARE the things they have in common.

red roses

i started this blog about six months ago because i felt like my love life was a little out of control, had too many funny stories about boys and as a way to amuse myself during a very interesting time in my dating life. at a point i was almost dating five people at once, at another point i was almost getting back together with the ex. now, three weeks from my 24th birthday, with three magazines under my belt and more security than i thought possible as i try to figure out this whole grown up thing, i suddenly have an amazing boyfriend to go along with everything. a boyfriend who is an adult in every sense of the word. who doesn't get carded (that was kind of embarrassing last night when i did and he didn't). who gives me two red roses and says "i'm falling in love with you" with a fire in the fireplace and a delicious glass of wine.

is this my fairy tale? is this really happening to me? do i really get to wake up next to this amazing person and then an hour later have a sweet e-mail from him in my inbox? i am overwhelmed.

falling

over the weekend, H said he is falling for me. can that really happen after just two weeks? in high school, i think my boyfriend told me he loved me after we'd been dating just three weeks. the ex told me after a month and a half. but....two weeks? granted, he didn't say "i love you," but saying "i'm falling for you" is pretty darn close.

there are a few things that are making me nervous here. first, is age. H turns 28 on wednesday. i'm all for dating a 28 year old. but, not a 28 year old who is on a wife hunt, and will therefore tell me things like "i'm falling for you" just because he wants to fall for anyone. cute and has a steady job? check please! haha. the one thing that helps is how often he says how picky he is. i hope that's true, because although i am only going to be in a serious relationship with someone i would potentially marry, i don't have an agenda to find my husband. i just want to let that happen.

other than the apprehension over the rushing of the relationship, everything with H has been amazing. i have never met a guy who makes me feel so good about myself. i'm all in and ready for wherever this goes. scared? absolutely. excited? very. falling? we'll see.

so good.

i am dating H (the guy i met at my friends's dad's halloween party). he is a great guy and i haven't felt so safe and happy with someone since last winter with the ex. we've been hanging out a lot this past week and a half and talk constantly. he is the sweetest guy i've ever met, which is scary since i'm so cynical and figure most things guys say are a load of crap. but, i'm trying to not put up walls. i'm trying to roll with everything and appreciate how lucky i am to have met someone like this. someone with his life together who is open to a relationship.

one thing that makes me sad is that i have allowed guys who don't treat me this great into my life. like, the ex. i loved him for so long, yet he never was so excited about me. never said nice things for no reason. never made me feel secure. and other guys just took advantage of me. if i had waited, could i have found someone like H sooner?

i am so happy right now with H. it's a weird feeling, but so good.

someone

last week, after canceling plans with the ex, i became an emotional mess after finding out that he does indeed have a girlfriend. then, i realized that mohawk and mr. facebook weren't really talking to me anymore. i was a mess. i was done. i was pissed and hurt and tired of the game. yes...."game." it had all become a game. the ex wanting to see me and talk to be and be bff when he had a girlfriend? mohawk and mr. facebook not seeing past my body? not interested.

then, friday, at my friend's dad's halloween party, i met someone. someone i initially made fun of and judged, but, almost a week later have grown really fond of. he's nice. he's real. he has his head on straight. and he likes me and tells me that. he wants to see me without me saying a word. and our date on tuesday was perfect. he doesn't want to just date around. he wants something. me too.

a reason to cancel.

"People say 'Everything happens for a reason.' These people are usually women. And these women are usually sorting through a break-up. It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a 'Goodbye,' But, apparently, women have to either get married or learn something." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

current stress of the day: trying to cancel on happy hour with the ex. we didn't get married (obviously!), so it's time for me to learn something and MOVE ON.

why did i even agree to see him? great question.

crazy nights...

tulsa, liz and me on our way to northgate.

ashley-bobby and me at republic.

sleepovers

it's funny how as soon as you say one thing, the exact opposite happens. like, that whole sleeping alone thing. the next night, mr. facebook slept over. what was supposed to be a fun happy hour with tulsa, turned into an awkward night of no chemisty and less that inspiring conversation. ok, i thought, just friends is perfectly ok with me. until his roommate and him left my roommate and i at the bar abruptly, having not paid for one of their pitchers. we were chased out by the waitress!!!!

obviously, this pissed us off, so we headed to another bar, where mr. facebook and his friend decide to join us. beer upon beer later they are at our apartment and end up staying the night.* beats spooning with cats!

the next night i do spend alone, having worked about 12 hours i didn't meet up with friends and went straight to bed, after cleverly dodging texts from mohawk. hmmmm. that guy makes absolutely no sense to me and i think he's a wino =) not that wine is bad....but he seems to live off of the stuff.

the next night is another adventure at knox st pub, where i meet a red raider. i tend to avoid red raiders because all they want to do is make fun of our football team, but i put up with this one because he is pretty cute and i'm pretty tired and don't feel like moving from my chair (plus, at this point i realize i might be in deperate need of a ride home later, as most of the girls i came with seemed to have "other plans" for the eveing). so, as it turns out, i do need a ride home, which his friend doesn't hesitate to give. granted this wasn't the safest idea, and they did almost get lost in south dallas, i made it home without a scratch. to repay the red raider for finding me a ride home, he stays the night.* 2 out of 3...not bad!

*this would all seem incredibly slutty, but NOTHING happened with either of these guys that even falls into the slut category, so innocent as charged!

cat lady? i think so.

i woke up this morning with keelee (the orange cat) between my legs and kirbi (the grey one) sprawled across my pillow. i bought these little balls of fur over a year ago when i lived alone and had miserably lonely nights. although i'm now not so lonely, living with one of my best friends and everything, they still make the best company, ecspecially when i am sad.

i'm not exactly sad right now, but a little dissapointed and misunderstood. i feel like when it comes to guys lately, i'm always the initiater. weird thing is...lots of my friends have said they feel the same way lately. the roomie said it may be an "epidemic." haha.

yesterday, mohawk and i (again) had talked about hanging out. i figured it wasn't going to happen and had other plans anyways, but it still bothered me when at 9:45 pm I had not heard anything from him. so....we start texting. and i start wanting to hurl my phone across the room at the ridiculous things he said and the way he couldnt get out what he was trying to say. i still don't really know! i dont think this kid really has a way with words.

basically, he doesn't know what he wants (ummm, i never said i wanted anything!), tends to lead people on (who admits that?) and apparently has had a rough few months (oh, poor guy, try rough year!) but ended the conversation asking what i'm doing this weekend. i'm very confused. might as well just file him under "been there, done that, should have hung onto his t-shirt."

looks like it's just gonna be me and the cats curled up in my bed for a while...

has it really been a year?

a year ago exactly the ex sent me this...and it is part of what spiraled into everything that is no longer there. 365 days later and i am no longer talking to him again. 365 days later and i don't miss him at all. but, i can't believe it's been a whole year. so much has happened and i'm basically exactly where i began.

"I really want to talk to you Carrie. I know you think I lied to you. I wasn't "with" anyone when you came in town that weekend and I'm being serious. I know that what I did was wrong though. Very wrong at that. But you don't understand how much I miss you. I miss everything. I miss the way you hated stand-up comedy. I miss the way you listened to "Soul Meets Body" in your car for like two straight months. I miss our trip home from Michigan with no cd player. I miss Thursdays at 7. I have been crying thinking about that stuff. I know you think i'm just lying and I realize this is completely inappropriate, but I can't stand the idea of us never speaking again, even if I did mess up really bad. I'm not a terrible person Carrie. You have to tell me that at some point in the future you will be able to speak to me again, even if it's a long time from now. I don't care as long as the answer isn't never. There has to be something that can be done to make things better. If there's not, then i'll be devastated. But please at least acknowledge me. I miss you so much. And I didn't used to act like I did. I'm sorry. I really am so so sorry Carrie."

fan mail, ex texts and mohawks- oh my!

i think it's really amusing when i get "fan mail" via facebook about my relationship column. it's usually from guys too. sometimes i have girls asking me to solve their relationship problem, which is funny since i can't seem to solve my own. here is my latest "fan mail."

"hey. i know this is semi-facebook stalkerish because we have never met, but i wanted to tell you that i really enjoy your sex in the station article. i catch a little bit of flak from my guy friends for it, but your writing is way too witty to miss. your article is pretty much the only reason to peruse the maroon weekly. just thought you should know that your work is appreciated. i hope all is well."

at least after almost 3 years, some guy out there is still reading the crap i make up!!!

speaking of crap...the ex texted me yesterday.

the ex: it sucks not talking to you.

romantic, eh? i didn't respond! me:1, the ex: 0

mohawk came over late on monday night...we talked, we kissed, we made plans to possibly see each other the next day. the next day comes around and except for a few e-mails back and forth regarding "green" architecture, there was no phone call or hanging out. and today via email it's as if we never discussed is, as he asked "so, what went on in the life of carrie yesterday?"

what went on? well, i gave up on you, that's what went on. ok ok...i'm not really pissed as i spent a fun night hanging out with the roommate, but still...nothing irks me more than guys who don't call when they say they will...

dreams and actions

It's not the size of your dreams that determines whether or not they come true, but the size of the actions you take that imply their inevitable arrival...

photos- yay!

this is my good friend lindsey and me at industry bar a few months back. i'm glad i finally figured out how to add photos to this this thing...this should be fun! =)

it's raining, it's pouring

do you ever have one of those days that you just feel good about? the house is clean, the finances are in order and you are determined to check everything off of your to-do list at record speed! today is one of those days. i just feel good. relaxed. content.

good things:
1) the rain making my room dark enough to sleep very soundly
2) my new yellow aldo purse!
3) the anticipation of things to come
4) the thunder adding noise to an otherwise silent office
5) a week filled with fun plans, and it's only monday!
6) the security conversations with my mom brings
7) knowing i am better off without him and really really believing it this time
8) wising up about people and things
9) halloween being so soon
10) no longer biting my nails and being able to paint them fun colors

a nice sunday night...

it's sunday night and i'm relaxing with a glass of wine and last week's episode of gossip girl. i think i just heard thunder, which is too bad, since the weather has been perfect for a week. a rainy monday to start off hell week at work. great.

on a happier note, i had a great weekend. knox st pub, football (although alll my team's lost), state fair, church, shopping, ikea. pretty great. and friday night i hung out with mohawk. and tonight i got asked to happy hour by tulsa. mr.facebook kept me amused through text messages all weekend long and would have come over friday night had i not been PDAing with mohawk at knox st for all of uptown dallas to see. oh well. i have a crush. on him. and it's getting bigger.

my lastest "singles horoscope" is pretty dead on:

"Your latest crush is anything but dull. If you could look into a crystal ball to see where this one's headed, you would. But you can't, so rely on your instinct. When it sends you a message, listen and act."

ok...well, i'm listening...

i've got a crush.

yes, it's true. i have a crush...on three guys. i feel like i'm 12 again. the funny part is, i don't feel like any of these crushes are going to go anywhere and that doesn't even bother me. i'm just trying to have fun. they are all putting out effort to talk to me and hang out, so it's not like i'm chasing after three guys who want nothing to do with me, so that's a relief. anything to keep the ex off the brain and out of the heart!

mr. facebook- ok, i know he isn't looking for anything serious, but he's hot and fun and a good guy to keep around. said he's going to be in my area for a bachelor party on saturday and will give me a call...we'll see what transpires...

tulsa- i don't really know this guy that well, or at all really. but, once again he's cute and fun. plus, he lives about 5 minutes from me. he texted me today about how he wishes we were drinking on a patio. hmmmm. i do still have his shoes from last weekend...

mohawk- have i given him a different name? i don't remember. anywho, he's the guy i made out with in the bathroom at the game watching party a few weeks back. we've been emailing and texting a lot lately and trying to make plans for the weekend. would i date a guy who has a mohawk and a tatoo running the length of his arm? something new is never bad i guess!

hopefully all these guys don't jumble up together in one awkward night, like what happened with some guys last weekend...shit, hopefully i see one of them. should be an interesting weekend. going out. football watching. fair. =)

writing...

lately, writing, whether it's for the magazine or the paper, has become kind of a chore. i feel like i've lost my muse and have had trouble finding my voice.

then, i came across these quotes about writing and am starting to remember why since I can remember, this is all i've wanted to do. when i was younger, i wrote novels and poetry books for everyone as presents. i tried to write my autobiography when i was 8. i guess...i am a writer.


"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else."
- Gloria Steinem

"Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it; write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will care for it."
- Jesse Stuart

"I can’t help but to write, I have a inner need for it. If I’m not in the middle of some literary project, I’m utterly lost, unhappy and distressed. As soon as I get started, I calm down.:
- Kaari Utrio

vicious cycle

bet you can't guess who has upset me once more?

if you guessed the ex, then *ding ding ding* you'd be right. and, of course, everyone says to just ignore him. texts. phone calls. eveything. how many times have a attempted that? it's only been semi-successful one time. and after than time he fell back in love with me.

there is no love left. i am burnt out. bitter. angry. tired of feeling anything for him. i want the thought of him to disgust me. it's beginning to. it's sad that someone i loved so much can make me feel like this.

nicknames

i forgot to mention....mr.facebook has a nickname for me as well. i'm lovingly referred to as "the editor."

do you think he has a secret blog where he talks about me too???? haha.

and nothing really changes...

it's still blistering hot out, but, so far, i'm loving fall. i spent the last two wonderful weekends in college station and realized more than ever how much i miss that place and my friends there. they really are some of my best friends i've ever had and i cannot wait till they graduate and *hopefully* move here. i need them in my life a lot more than i realized. they get me. they know my past. they accept my stupidity with boys and let me be who and how i am.

this past weekend was ecspecially eventful at the boy end of things. friday night the ex saw TWO guys kiss me...oops. as mr. facebook approached me at a bar and engulfed me in a huge hug, the ex walked over and stood on my other side. my friends cracked up knowingly. i followed mr. facebook inside and he kissed me, just in time for the ex to walk up, stunned. that was followed by about a dozen angry/ hurt text messages. then, at the next bar, tulsa (my college best friend's brother's roommate...if that makes any sence) starts holding my hand and kissing me. oh, and of course he lives 5 minutes from me in dallas! haha. he's cute and fun and smart. so, it's great. but, of course, the ex sees us kiss. at this point i am two for two. more text messages come.

i continue the night by hanging out with tulsa. making out with tulsa. waking up on the floor with tulsa gone...and a nice akward next morning.

the next night i am pretty drunk and sick by the time the boys show up. there is no sign of tulsa, but the ex is haunting me. i had apologized earlier for the previous night, but as i run into his friends, they all say he plans to ignore me. then i see him. he is sick as well and we end up holding hands, kissing and saying "i love you" about a hundred times. looking back, it was a pretty ridiculous, drunken PDA that would not have happened if we hadn't been so drunk and vulnerably sick. i'm kind of sad it happened because it gave me false hope.

as the bars close and everyone is kicked outside, mr.facebook emerges needing a ride home. he dances drunkenly with my friends and walks with us for what seems like miles to my friends car. we hold hands. we kiss. it's dumb and ridiculous, but in my delirium, i don't care. i know he's drunk and i know that back here, in dallas, nothing will have changed.

we end up not spending the night together because his best friend and his best friend's brother are in some sort of trouble. probably better that i woke up alone.

now, back in dallas, everything is the same. as if the ex never said he loved me, as if mr.facebook wasn't all over me. as if i never met tulsa. nothing has changed, except for my heart.

a ho hum week

it seems like i haven't written in forever, but it's only been since monday. maybe this week was just a long one. it also was very uneventful. my life has been pretty uneventful! new shows on tv have taken the place of bars and boys and my get fit/eat right for halloween plan is in full swing. the last boy i kissed was a very drunk mohawk man in a bathroom more than a week ago, although the ex would have slept over last friday if he had his way and mr. facebook would have last saturday had i not been in bad with bad allergies. oh well. can't always have my bed filled. ha. i think i just don't have my game face on. maybe i'm just worn out. this nasty cough i have also isn't exactly sexy. do you ever just feel like you have no sexual energy?

to add to my abstinence, i am going to college station to see my girls this weekend. i am definitely not interested in making out with ANY college boys...

i have decided to re-befriend the ex. not sure why...maybe to add some more eventfullness to my otherwise boring life!

it is what it is

"i can be changed by what happens to me. i refuse to be reduced by it." -maya angelou

i have been woozy with allergies for a week and weak with emotions. last night after a parking lot tennis match with the roommate and a nice walk in the fall breeze, i realized i have a lot of toughening up to do. i will be 24 in a little over 2 months. i know i shouldn't have everything figured out and i never really will, but i can at least be true to myself and my heart. i can protect it and stand up for it and not apologize for feeling too much. i can leave well enough alone when i know it's better to do that.

i have let the ex go. he has found someone new to date and i just need to accept that and move on. as much as i want to hate him for the lies and the leading on and the confusion, i can't be reduced by what he has done to me the last 2 years and 10 months. the love is over. i need to leave it alone. on friday he tried to talk to me and meet up with me, but i told him it's done. if it's meant to be it isn't meant to be right now. forging some fake friendship won't make it any better.

as for mr. facebook, i need to realize that he's just not into me. it was great. he was great. i really liked him. but, for whatever reason, that just didn't work out. i was pissed that i didn't know why, but i need to just not care.

as depressing as this all sounds, it's not and i refuse to be any longer. last thursday, a friend told me i seemed different, less joyful, than usual. it was true. i was handed a lot to handle for a week or two there. it changed by mood...it reduced it. but, not anymore. i will be happy with whatever life throws me this week because it is what it is.

starting new

i think that sometimes you have to be thrown some loops, deal with some hard stuff and hit a rough spot in order to get your life in check and prepare for bigger and better things ahead. these last few weeks i have really had to dig deep for happiness and figure out where i'm heading financially, with life and with love. i am so far from where i want to be, yet am making no effort to get there. i can. i will. this is the beginning of that. i have cleansed myself of people that have hurt me. i have dug myself out of my financial rut. i have started to get my life back in order. i'm heading in the right direction....now i just need to be strong.

good things list

the ex is dating someone. mr. facebook is obviously not as into me as i thought. and the real estate man from this weekend (more on that later) is questionable. looks like a happiness list is much needed. maybe this time i can make it much longer!

1) the sex and the city movie is in pre-production this week!
2) the ashleys...they tend to know exactly how to be there and what to say when i'm obsessing over one of the ex's asshole routines.
3) i am much much prettier than the ex's dating partner. ok, that might sound vain and bitchy, but this is MY happiness list and thinking that makes me very happy.
4) taking a walk after work today. it's beautiful out and exactly what i need.
5) wine, the hills and sherlocks (to see the introverts cover band play!) tonight
6) writing a kick ass winter fashion article for the magazine!
7) my new juicy couture perfume =)
8) having black-ish hair again
9) the fact that things can't get worse...so, better days are ahead
10) being too busy this week with social plans to actually care how much certain guys suck

ok...i feel slightly better. back to work!

too careful

ignorance is bliss. i wish i were more ignorant.

i need to be more careful. more careful of what i believe and who i believe in. this is why i give up and ignore, it's easier to not get hurt that way. why even try trusting in something...someone...if they will eventually just leave or go a different way?


"don't you see, don't you see, that the cherade is over? and all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards, go to you. cause kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time that i let you." -dashboard confessional

i'm here. where are you?

you don't always get what you want...or who you want.

and that sucks.

four years ago a guy broke things off with me because i wouldn't sleep with him. i was so angry at him for disrespecting my choice to wait and for leading me on. but, now, i'm obviously over it and him and can appreciate the fact that he was at least honest with me. sex was an important factor to him in a relationship, so he cut the ties before they became too thick. if only other guys could give us girls that much respect. even if the reason they are ending things is for shallow or asinine reasons, honesty would get them so much further.

so, all i'm asking for is an explanation for the silence, the obvious avoidance and what, if anything, went wrong. i know it's not me. i was nice, genuine and not clingy (in the least!). but, instead of asking for the reasoning, like i normally would, i will be patient and be here. not waiting by the phone, but hoping for a phone call.

interesting article

i read about 5 articles about relationships a day...research for my column i guess. anyways, i just read this article on tips for men picking up women and i found it particularly interesting...

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=7306&TrackingID=523934&BannerID=566942&menuid=6&GT1=10391

Gray

"We had left the world of black and white, and now everything was gray."- Carrie Bradshaw

Gray...that's how i feel everything with guys is right now. Where's the ex who kissed my feet and begged to be my best friend go? Where's Mr. Facebook who e-mailed me everyday and our situation seemed to be moving into exclusive waters go? Maybe i'm just having an off week. My encounters with boys this week has involved a run in with the Introvert on Monday, in which he tried to come over when i was sleeping; phone tag with Midnight Snack; meeting an interesting guy that we'll call Mohawk (because he has a mohawk), but nothing happening and then my best guy friend coming over for chinese and scary movies. All a bunch of anti-climatic episodes that have ammounted into a weekend full of girls nights. Don't get me wrong, I love my girl friends, but a date would be nice or something more black and white.

trying to be positive.

the ex has been a royal jerk lately and although i know that mr. facebook is back in town, i have not heard from him. so, needless to say, i'm kind of bummed out by some things right now. but, since i refuse to let my happiness be codependent on the way guys are treating me and the direction of my love life, i will make a list of non-guy reasons that i am happy. i'm tired of complaining about men.

1) i won $75 in a raffle at a luncheon yesterday. coach purfume... here i come!
2) i've been really productive at work lately
3) my friends are amazing and supportive =)

ok, i can only think of 3 right now. maybe i'm in a little bit of a happiness rut at the moment. hopefully i can snap out of this by the weekend.

anywhere but here.

do you ever have those days where you want me be anywhere but where you are?

it's raining outside and i am sitting in my office alone, listening to joshua radin, which is making me mildly depressed. i've had two great weekends away and now life seems to be slowing down and i'm anxious about everything. work. guys. the future. it's all driving me a little crazy at the moment. so much going away really makes me hate coming back.

i'm also stuck thinking about a text-message fight i got in with the ex over the weekend. he really showed me that with him, i'm an option, not a priority. in tampa, i was an hour long phone call everynight. now, that he's back, with friends, i am nothing to him. he was mad that i even wanted to talk to him over the weekend. i was with my best friend and still tried to say hi. he was too busy to give me 5 seconds of his time...and he let me know. i havent't talked to him since, although he did say he's call when he got back to dallas from college station. he got my hopes up again when he was in tampa. not romantic hopes, but hopes that this friendship thing was for real. maybe it's not.

looks like i won't be talking to mr. facebook this week...he texted me last night to say he's in el paso because his grandfather had a heart attack :( poor guy.

cloud nine

i am filled with anxiety. 3 weeks and things with mr. facebook are going great. perfect really. we went to dinner for his birthday last night and hung out at his place playing wii (he pretty much kicked my ass at everything except boxing). i love being around this guy...more than i have loved being around a guy in a really long time. we can have serious conversations about what we want to do with our lives as well as hang out and be silly. and when he kisses me, i completely lose it.

i'm anxious because what would such a gorgeous, smart and funny guy want to do with me? not that i have completely low self esteem, but i know a catch when i see one...and he is definitely a catch. i'm sure he could have anyone he wanted! i keep telling myself that i can's screw this one up. this is what i'm looking for in a guy and in a relationship (or whatever it is).

i wish i knew how he felt and what he wants from all of this. i refuse to go further physically with him unless i know things between us are exclusive....but at the same time, i don't want him to feel cornered into a relationship. i'd rather not know than have him hurt my feelings. i'd rather keep things going as they are and stay as happy as i am now. maybe i should start giving him the benefit of the doubt...we spend a lot of time together and talk almost daily. would he put in so much effort if he didn't eventually want something?

more to me than him

somedays (like today), i want to write him a letter telling him everyway he made me feel. from happy to sad to happy to sad again. about how now, when i see him or think of him i realize how wrong you can be about yourself and someone else. you think you know yourself until you realize you can't identify the one you are supposed to be with, until you know you deserve much better than you ever thought you could imagine. with him, it was the highest highs and lowest lows. i fell deeper in love than i thought i ever would and felt worse about myself and my life than i ever imagined possible. it was the best and the worst kind of love. when i hear people say "he's the one," i never believe it, because i was wrong about that for more than two years. i know that i am wrong not because i've met someone i would choose over him, but because i am overjoyed that i can be happy about a guy that is NOT him.

what it is and what it may be

when the ex called last night, i pushed ignore on my phone with no hesitation.

"even if that was a good conversation," i told my roommate," it still would ruin my perfectly good mood."

i had spend another wonderful sunday with mr. facebook. we simply hung out at his condo again, watching tv and movies and talking. we cuddled and joked and sat close as if we were together and had known each other longer than a week. it does feel like longer than that. we called and texted all weekend...and as soon as he dropped his parents off at the airport, he called me to hang out. my best friend is worried about his motives...and after some of the guys i've been through, that's to be expected. but, i know this guy is different. it scares me to put such an expectation on this, because if there is anything that i learned from the ex, it's that expectations cause tears. at least i know this one isn't just in it for the physical aspect, or we wouldn't hang out for hours. he can't just be playing me and stringing me along either, or the e-mails all day would be worthless. so, i will just have high hopes for this one. he came along at the right time and i'm going to enjoy it for what it is and whatever it may become. he's a great guy. he's what i look for in a guy. right now i am happier then i've been in a long time and i'm perfectly ok with riding this happiness for however long i can.

michigan in less than three days makes everything that much more amazing right now.

overcome.

it's strange how hanging out a few time, a million e-mails and a few charming text messages and phone conversations can make one swoon...ok, it's actually not strange at all and it's exactly how i'm feeling. mr.facebook and i's e-mail banter is still going strong. we've extended it to text mesages and phone calls too. and we are hanging out this sunday. and i can't wait.

although i've only known him a week, i really like him and have high hopes. i know i'm usually so cynical about suck things...like, when my friend's swear a guy is "the one" after a few dates. maybe i'm simply overcome by the attention. whatever it is, i like this feeling and i intend to run with it as long as i can!

as for the ex...we had dinner last night. it was actually kind of boring. we did talk a little about us and he admitted that he too finds it hard to just be friends. he said that although a lot went wrong on monday, he still likes me and when he returns from tampa in two weeks, he wants to hang out more. i think we both just got overcome with talking and making plans when he was in tampa the last time, that we didn't stop to be realistic about what was happening between us. yes, we have a connection that in undeniable, but are either of us ever real about how it will all work? we've broken up twice and have been trying to figure out where our love belongs in the grand scheme of our lives for YEARS. maybe it is time we stop trying to figure everything out and just start living. being happy. together or apart. it's not a goodbye i guess, but a not now. not until it's right. we both keep fighting for what the other doesn't want. maybe we are finally ready to stop fighting. maybe i'll find happiness elsewhere and maybe he will too. maybe we will together. all i know is that's not gonna determine itself overnight, or this week, or next.

polar opposites!

Mr. Facebook tracked down my e-mail address Monday morning and we've been e-mailing back and forth all week. He is really funny and he actually might drive the 30 minutes to hang out with my friends and me tonight. Even if he doesn't come, the fact that he said he wants to see me is enough. He's making an effort, which is completely new to me. If this guy turns out to be the real deal, I'd consider myself very lucky. It seems like just a few months ago I was giving the same rave reviews about the accountant, but this guy seems more down to earth and the fact that he went to A&M is a huge plus. this guy is also a lot more aggresive than the accountant, which is good for someone as impatient as I am. we have talked everyday since we met and i like that.

as for the ex....well, when he came over on monday, i was slightly bitter feeling toward him and thinkgs between us did not go so well. i spent most of yesterday sad about that and wondering how he could change his mind about everything with one little incident. he is so unstable in his feelings towards me and that is not a quality i'm looking for. i need stability. so, the whole dating thing, if it happens, will take more time. we still are meeting for dinner tommorow, but it is no longer a "date." he leaves again for tampa on sunday. this time, i'm happy. i have time to focus on not messing stuff up with mr.facebook :)

the ex perplex

last monday i wrote about how the ex crawled his way back in, begging for another chance. i think he was just lonely in tampa and didn't know how to handle it. the dallas him is back....and that's not a good thing. since being home, he hasn't really called and when we have talked, it's been for five minutes. he even admitted that we won't be talking much cause now he's back near his friends and he's not lonely. wow...how sweet. i think he was more into this whole dating thing when he was far far away. we shall see how tonight goes (him hanging out with all of my friends) and how our date goes on thursday. if they aren't good, the ties will be severed. against my will, i have waited. if it's not worth it, so be it and i move on. even if nothing ever happens with mr.facebook, spending all day with him made me realize there are great guys with their minds made up about life who think i'm something and someone worth spending their day with. i don't remember the last time the ex and i spent that much time together.

online dating...but not

online dating is not for me. i figure i can meet the same kind of guys at bars- desperate. liars. look better than they really do. but, when a very very attractive guy poked me on facebook last thursday, i couldn't help but be a little curious. most random facebook pokers are weird/ugly. this guy was hot.

so, i messaged him and asked him why he poked me...did we know each other? we then had a back and forth facebook message conversation all day friday. friday night, out of all the bars in dallas and all the people to run into, who do i see? HIM. coincidence? yeah. weird one too. that night we only talked for about 5 minutes and it was pretty akward. the chances of us running into each other at the 1,000 + person pub crawl the next day...slim to none. but, as coincidence would have it again, i see him at the last bar on our 5 bar journey. we hang out, kiss drunkenly and he gets my number. after we go our own ways, we meet back up at the after party. and drunkenly make out somemore. after leaving we text message all night and decide to hang out sunday. at this point i've sobered up and am thinking it's just drunk talk and i'll never hear from mr. facebook again (yes, we shall call him mr.facebook). well, he actually called yesterday and we spent SEVEN hours together. i saw a movie with him and his 6 best friends (only mildly intimidating), then we hung out at his gorgeous condo watching tv, movies, eating pizza and making out (all sober). i think if a guy wants to hang out for that long, there is a very good chance he'll call again...and won't pull an accountant!

funny that i began my summer with the stoner (the guy who is going nowhere) to possibly ending it with mr.facebook (smart, funny, HOT!). hopefully this transpires into something...

revelations

interesting weekend...

worked 16 hours friday and didn't get to do anything. saturday i went to a friend's bachelorette party and midnight snack met up with us later. and stayed over. i'm beginning to remember why i haven't talked to him as much as i did in june...he's very shady. he spent half the night at the bar talking to a cougar (ew). his friends are even worse. needless to say, that whole debauchary between him and I is over. he kind of grosses me out.

just like i thought, as soon as i decide to not talk to the ex, he comes back strong. declaring his love. making promises. begging me to wait for me. begging for a chance. i think he called me 5 times yesterday. he returns from tampa saturday and asked me to go on a date with him next week. i thought i was done with him. with that. maybe i'm just beginning. or....am i just getting drug back in when he assumes i'm backing out?

haven't talked to the accountant in a while. i thought date 1 and 2 both went well. then after going to his soccer game, i thought i scored major points. he may be perfect, but maybe not for me. actually, definitely not for me. i will never have that kind of patience.

letting him go...really.

the ex is in tampa. he hasn't called, but has sent short, meaningless text messages. although he said he's call. more photos of him and the girl he says he doesn't like are posted online. they seem to hang out a lot. i don't think he likes me like he says. i think he just wants me to wait around for him to possibly come around. he wants me to stay around as his option. if he ever decides to grow up, and not just SAY he's growing up, he figures i'll be there ready. i wasn't ready last time i let him back in. i made it hard for him. but, i caved too soon. i feel like i'm caving again, but without him asking me to. without him even being sure he wants me to. he doesn't seem to care about me in the way i deserve for him to.

after my cousins wedding and the whole "husband finding game," i think maybe my family does have something right. i need to stop wasting my time. i'll never be open to a relationship with the ex still bouncing around in my heart. i need to let go. and not fake let go like i say every other week, but really, truly, take down his pictures, ignore his calls LET HIM GO.

i started with a text message this morning.

me: you don't care about me, so let me get over this.

there was no response.

i have decided to rechannel my ex energy into working out. 3 weeks until the beach, so this should work out nicely.



A quote I like...

Live your dreams now, to any degree that you can. With every purchase. Every decision. Every hello and goodbye. Every assignment. Every conversation. Every meal. Every morning, afternoon and evening. And never, ever, ever look back.

the "find carrie a husband" game.

my dad's side of the family is very fixated on me getting married. ever since my brother tied the knot two years ago, it's become a common topic. where will we find carrie a husband? when my cousin (who is 5 days my senior) got engaged a year and a half ago, everyone wanted to know when my boyfriend and I would (that boyfriend would be the ex).

so, natuarally, while at said cousin's wedding in way north michigan this past weekend, my singularity was a very popular topic of discusion.

"our family friend met her nice boyfriend on match.com, maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea."

"i know you'll marry the ex. always have."

"i know the PERFECT guy....he's your cousins high school friend. he should be here any minute."

"that guy over there is single. his mom still has him by the umbilical cord. and he's 30. but he'd just looooooove you!"

"i bet you'll be married in two years. to someone."

i think everyone forgets that i am 23. noone will kick the bucket before i get married (like my grandparents fear) and i am in no race to have children. my biological clock doesn't even have batteries yet! i know i won't die alone as a weird cat lady....so why does my entire family think o might if i don't (or they don't) do something????

hello august.

june saw lots and lots of guys. july saw a return of the ex. what will august have in store?

ohhhh myspace...

I get a lot of strange messages on myspace. i know most are just mass messages sent to random girls...for instance, the roomate and i caught a guy sending us the same message, cept he had changed one word ("i know it's ___ p.m....or something). anyways, below are a few of my favorites! :)

Note: i only keep my myspace open for anyone to look at because i think it's hilarious when weird guys send me messages. some days, i really need something dumb to laugh at.

Weirdo #1:
Hi i was looking for someone else randomly saw u had to tell u that u are gorgeous....let me know if im cool enuf to be on ur team, just moved back from far away, and makin friends all ova again, promise im not psycho weird or anything less than a guy that would love to make u smile if u ever want....ok i feel like a weirdo now but whateva u only live once right... Aloha Josh

Weirdo #2:
i dont like A&M girls...mostly cuz I went there haha, but you have the most freakishly cutest smile so how harmful can you be. Plus good interests and taste in music so... hello! how are you? Life good? pets healthy? how about this weather we're having? thats pretty standard intro right Guy

Weirdo #3:
nice body :), your profile says your a swinger, is that true?

Note on #3: somehow my thing was changed to swinger...for one day. must have been his lucky day!

is it thursday yet?

a bubble bath is running in my tub. my room is clean as ever. and i've actually worked out two days in a row. too much free time on my hands? actually, too little. worked all weekend and haven't been home before 7:30 since two fridays ago. i'm drained and refuse to let my body or room suffer. plus, the roomate and i head to the beach in exactly a month and i want to look hot.

i think i'm also trying to distract myself and distance myself from drama. life is nice and drama free right now and i intend to keep it that way as long as possible. also, the ex leaves for tampa for training as soon as i get back from my cousin's wedding. he'll be gone for two weeks! i'm trying not to be sad...but i am. i know it's probably a good thing to have a distance between us, but i'm impatient and want to know what happens with us.

meanwhile, the accountant is in san antonio for business. again. is it going to be another month before date #3?

guys are weird.

guys have been acting really weird lately. maybe now that the rain has finely let up there is something going on....who knows. below are my weird guy occurences of last week/the weekend.

1) the musician...who i dated last october...called me wednesday while i was at work. haven't talked to him since we broke up on halloween!!! too bad i didn't hear my phone ring- that would have been interesting!

2) just about every guy who hit on me and the roomate at sherlocks on wednesday night (after the accountants soccer game...swoooooon!) two guys had matching visors. another was a skater boarder who danced on a chair. the two guys we eventually sat with...one was very bald, the other did a backflip. i wrote my number on a napkin...bald guy called/texted me every five seconds all week. guess he shared my number, cause backflipper texted me today. ummm....do they not realize they are both calling me? i thought they were friends. needless to say, they are both on the do-not-answer list!!!

3) the introvert texted me friday night...that was out of nowhere! he must have been drunk.

4) the jock texted me saturday night...also out of nowhere!

throw in the many texts from the accountant, seeing a movie with the ex and a few missed calls from midnight snack and it was quite the weekend. too bad i worked ALL weekend. i talk to my boss more than i talk to guys i'm dating.

i leave for michigan early thursday morning for my cousins wedding and i couldn't be more excited...if only i can survive the dreaded boss for three more days!

going deeper

"What you see with your eyes is never as important as what exists out of view."

I think that quote says a lot about love, misjudging people and insecurities. I think i make decisions about my love life and how people feel about me based on what I'm seeing and not what they (or I sometimes) am actually feeling deep down inside. Understanding what is out of view is a lot harder than understanding what is right on front of you.

the choice is not mine

last night the ex and i hung out and watched a movie, just like old times. i was still a little upset and untrusting, constantly questioning his relations with this girl i've been presuming he likes. but, he kept saying it's me he likes and he wants to start things back with us the right way and slowly. i don't know what to make of anything because i don't know how he really feels and what he really wants...because he doesn't know either.

so, there is him and then there is the accountant. the clean slate. the opportunity. thing is, i am so tortured with guys that i don't believe he really likes me. how sad is that? i just figure he's another one that will come and go.

i've had some people say i need to choose...but, nothing serious is happening with either of these guys. i don't know how either of them really feel or what either of them really want. i'm not sure i know either. i know i want to be treated right and that i'm ready for a relationship again. i think it will take time for anything to materialize.

texts that come at the wrong time...

i thought i hit a turning point. complete distance from the ex was the plan. after a conversation with my mom, a near break down last thursday and the fantastic date with the accountant, i was ready to throw away the chance of getting back together and get back together with MYSELF. the old, happy me who had her shit together with guys and was worthy of someone great (say...like the accountant!). then, after pseudo-telling this to the ex yesterday morning, i get this text message late last night.

the ex: I really do love you carrie and i truly wanted to try again, really badly. but you don't seem to want me to at all. do you not want it now?

he said he's not dating anyone, although some photos i've seen lead me to believe otherwise. he said he'd be devastated if i stop talking to him. he said he loves me.

so, he's coming over tonight to hang out. i know i said t's over, but i don't know how to stick to that...

seafood and soccer

i'm usually not nervous around guys...i figure i'm on the same playing field as them, act confident and am my normal sarcastic self. but, with the accountant i become clammy, probably over chatty and self conscious. because i think i genuinely like this guy. he is smart, funny, mellow, really nice and handsome. very handsome. i feel like i've spent the last two days gushing about him to anyone who will listen.

our second date was great. ate amazing seafood and had great conversation once again. then he invited me to his place to watch the galaxy soccer game (he's a huge soccer fan/player and it was david beckham's first game with the team). i'm not a big sports on tv watcher, but with him it wasn't painfully boring. after that, he took me home and we talked outside for a while. he actually asked me for a copy of the magazine, so he can read my stuff. something the ex never did! that's one thing that is so different about the accountant than the ex, he actually shows an interest in what i do. maybe that isn't a novelty to most, but to me it has become one.

and finally, the night ended with a kiss (two actually). not a full fledged making out on the grass kinda kiss, but sweet. simple. and he asked me to come watch him play soccer...so, i take that as a good sign! hopefully our 3rd date will happen quicker than the 2nd....but, i think it was worth the wait! i think i've finally met someone (other than the ex) that i want to be with. but i think this guy is actually good for me too! :)

as for the elusive ex....we are supposed to hang out tomorow. he says he wants to ease back into something. hmmm. i'd rather hold out for this other guy.

from dateaholic to workaholic!

when you work 10 hour days, there isn't much time for dating. welcome to my world. in a frantic effort to keep my job and get the magazine out on time, i've been putting in extra hours and not spending much time dating or talking on the phone. a month ago i was pseudo-dating 5 guys, now i'm pseudo-dating my computer....and potentially "easing" back into something with the ex. potentially. he (finally!) got a real-world job, which he starts on monday. he said this is the beginning of a new life for him, and with that new life comes figuring stuff out with me. i only have one supporter in this and i don't know if it's actually going to materialize, so for now i'll just let my job completely consume me and wait and see. he talks a good game, but he always has. it's hard when you love someone to not want to try, even if it's a third try.

i'm going to dinner with the accountant this saturday. not sure it's a "date." i suggested we hang out again...he suggested we go out for dinner. date or not? you tell me.

and the story about the blast from the past...and an occurence at the river coming soon!!!

blast from the past

three years ago i was an entirely different person. for starters, i was 20 and had no idea what i wanted to do with my life. i was a journalism student and a writer for the school paper. i layed by the pool with my best friend (who got married last month) every friday. i had finally moved off campus and had a car, so my new found freedom was very much taken advantage of. i drank a lot and kissed a lot of boys. ok...so, maybe i haven't changed that much. but, life was different and so was i.

regardless, i was very good friends with a guy we'll call "blast from the past." he and i were inbetweens for each other...which means we hooked up between dating other people. we had long talks over sangria and had a great time together. we remained great friends for about a year, until we both fell in love. his lasted 2.5 years....mine, well, you know how that story is going.

sometime during his great love, he told her about us. she told him to never talk to me again. they got engaged in january and were supposed to get hitched this month. i, of course, was not invited.

she left him last month. moved out. no turning back and no chasing after. done. he IMed me a few weeks after she left. he's coming in town this weekend for a wedding and staying with me. i hadn't talked to him in over a year or hung out with him in more than two. i refuse to be his un-engagement rebound. this should make for an interesting weekend...

2.5 years

2.5 years. inside jokes. secret smiles. uncontrollable laughter. tiny kisses. love.
i don't think anyone understands what the ex and i had, have, possibly could have. noone wants me with him, except maybe a handfull of people. if he is really so incredibly wrong for me, then why is he still around? i'm not a dumb girl who just holds out for a guy because of a fantasy. i'm also not someone who is afraid to be alone....i think singularity and i actually get along quite well, for the most part. then why do i keep falling in love with the same guy....over, and over, and over again? it's not like he's doing or saying anything incredibly charming that is tugging at my heart. maybe it's that there is something about me that he gets, that maybe only my mom and my best friends get. maybe it's the way we laugh together.

i'm not afraid of being a cat lady and dying alone. i will get married, probably in the next 5 years...what scares me is if after 2.5 years of this love with the ex, that it won't be to him. what if i'm walking down the aisle towards somebody who doesn't want to sit in the bathtub for hours laughing? what if the ex and i just can't ever seem to be at the same points in our lives?

what if i'm completely wrong and will never have a normal relationship because this one guy will always be in my heart?

the calm after the storm...or before?

this is the longest i've gone without posting since i started writing...this is also the longest i've gone without making out since writing this thing. i'm pretty sure they go hand in hand. add in 3 water adventures in a week, which equals near heat stroke and exhaustion, and you've got my reason for not posting.

most of the guys from last month have flown the coop, or been kicked out of it. the stoner is obviously not in the picture, the accountant is a mere drunk dialer with no follow through- as is midnight snack. corpus guy, well, he lives in corpus (although we are planning another meet-in-the-middle rendezvous soon.) the jock must have gotten the hint that i wasn't attracted. and the ex, well, that's yet to be determined. july has been a bit more tame. is it the calm after the storm....or the calm before?

an interesting thing did happen last monday. the roommate and i were at our signature bar, on our signature night, listening to the band that plays every monday. of course, we see the introvert- a cover band lead singer/engineer who i had a brief fling with immediately following the ex, just to find out how incredibly socially awkward and introverted he is.

we talked to him briefly, then in my semi-drunkenness i invited him over. thinking he would't actually come, i fell asleep, just to be woken by him. he spent the night and i laughed to myself the entire time since i know i'll probably not hear from him since he'd most likely retreat back into hiding from social situations. as predicted, it's a week later and nothing. not that i want something, but it'd be funny to play that social/antisocial game again. if for nothing else, entertainments sake.

tonight's entertainment will be the ex coming over...

on another note...

yes, i know. the stoner should be gone, kaplut, aurevoir! but, he popped up....again.

we had kind of talked about maybe hanging out. maybe. so, he calls me yesterday. acts like his normal, friendly self, until....he says "i wanted to start hanging out with you again, but then i heard more bad things about you."
MORE RUMORS? is that even possible? this time, i responded with sarcasm.

the stoner: one of your friends said you were sleeping with like 3 guys while we were seeing each other.
me: three? wow. i wish i was so popular. well, did my friend at least say that these fake-sex partners of mine were hot? cause if there are going to be lies about me, i want them to be good ones!

i don't think the stoner was amused. neither am i really. at one point, people need to stop twisting things/ talking about people/ adding more crap to the toilet. i may have moved on from this, but i will never move on from the fact that people can be so awful. mind your own business...are some people's lives so pathetic that they persistently talk about me and make up fake stories? i feel bad for these people.

ex-capades

there are some people and situations you just cannot avoid. although i have been a master at avoiding the ex these past months, when i see him, certain things are completely inevitable. because of this, i lost two bets on friday night. note to carrie: do not agree to the same bet to two people. ecspecially if you intend on losing it.

rewind....
the players: the roomie, her boy toy, the dancing king, the ex, the ex's best friend and the best guy friend. oh, and me.
the scene: our apartment/ zen
the situation: the roomie and i somehow create a cock fest at our apartment. 2:5 ratio, not bad! you would think they would all have an awful time, but throw in two guys who like to dance, two girls who love to dance and a couple pitchers of beers and nothing else matters. then the betting began. then the inevitable flirting began. then the ex's best friend takes me outside and explains that the ex and i are meant to be. we will get married. yada yada yada. then i lose the bet. times a hundred. maybe the ex and i are just more comfortable around each other when naked. or are we meant to be???

the goal

as far as guys go, my weeks been very slow. as far as life goes, it hasn't. i've managed to be brutally attacked for no apparent reason via e-mail by a very good friend. i've managed to break my phone and spend a gazillion on one i don't like. i've also managed to change my vacation plans due to my boss threatening to fire me if i leave town too long. yeah, not much time for the boys when all that other stuff is suffocating me. thank goodness it's friday and i get to try to escape from the suffocation of the suckage...

try as i might, i have set myself up for awkwardness. one of my best and only guy friends is coming in town today. he can be a lot to handle, so i invited along the ex, who has been good friends with him since i introduced them years back. so, tonight, it will be the guy friend, the ex, the roomie and me. should make for an interesting night...

when the ex called to confirm our plans last night, as i hung up, i accidently said "love ya." i dreamnt last night that he said it back.

all i want is a weekend with no tears and deep tan lines. that's the goal....

waking up.

confusion can be paralyzing.

i read that on one of my favorite blogs today and it rings so true of my life right now. there is so much confusion, not just in my life, but in the lives of some of my closest friends. it's crippling at times and outright scary. filled with so many questions that require way too much patience than most can handle. and i get into these ruts where i feel so alone and headed towards too many dead ends and i wonder what i did to deserve this disaster as my life.

but then i step back. disaster? life may not be close to perfect, but, in reality it's no disaster. so there's no white picket fence and 2.3 kids in the next year...or two years. but otherwise, i guess i have it pretty damn good. i may wake up alone, but at least i'm waking up. i need to remind myself of that more.

random.

usually on monday i'd do a weekend recap...but, although i had a great time hanging out with one of my favorite people and playing at the lake, there are some things that occurred that are better left unwritten about. instead, i'll share a funny message i received.

some guy who i don't know sent me this random facebook message...

"so I randomly stumbled across your facebook somehow... Ive read some of your articles in the maroon weekly... and Im sure you know better than me about most relationship stuff but it never hurts to hear from someone else... but it seems to me that you're the kind of girl who's so amazing that the good, decent guys are intimidated and the losers just try to get anything they can from you. Nonetheless I don't know you all that well but from what I can tell from your subject matter, your style, your personality through your words... you are an amazing person (not to mention beautiful apparently) and theres no way you're going to go through life single. Eventually a good guy will get the balls to be your "knight in shining armor" and you'll just know it was worth the wait."

does my writing really make me seem that messed up about guys? did i ever say i thought i'd go through life single?

never nothing.

i had a very morbid dream last night, and im very curious as to what i could have been thinking about to have caused it...i think i know, but more on that later.

i dreamnt that i was shot and died in a school shooting, but them my ghost could appear and talk to people who had been extremely close to me when i was alive. thing was, i couldn't talk to multiple of these people at once, i'd only appear to one at a time as i chose. in my dream i could speak to my mom, not my dad. i also appeared to a handful of my closest girl friends, but my best friend was so upset she refused to believe i was really there. another person i could talk to was the ex, who told me had i lived, one day we'd be married. i've only seen him 3 times in the last 3 months, so why did my subconscious deam us "extremely close."

i think it all has to do with a conversation i had with him last night. once again he was talking about missing me and wanting to see me. he said i'm a big part of his life. that we could never be nothing. i asked him if one day he's want to see me get married (cause good friends go to each other's weddings) and he said "don't ask me that! i just want to see you. i can't predict anything further than that." he tried to come over and then turned around because his drunk friend needed a ride. i just think it's all or nothing with him. how do you honestly be friends with the guy you planned on marrying 2 weeks from tommorow.

i don't think either of us saw our lives like this. i don't think this is exactly what i wanted.


on another note...no date last night with the jock. i think he forgot because he never called...hmmm.

hello summer.

happy first day of summer.

after another part of my mini-drama surfaced last night, and i received some good advice from a very nice friend and of course obsessed over the situation with my roommate for hours, i woke up this morning with clarity.

i am replacing the stoners name in my phone with "unhealthy male drama." why would i ever answer a call named that? exactly.

it is summer. a new season. exactly 3 months from making the healthy decision to break up with the ex. i should probably make some healthy decisions for this season too! here they are...

1. no more unhealthy male drama in any way, shape or form. no matter how cute.
2. surround myself with honest people. not fake rumor makers.
3. be patient. some guys dont kiss on the first date.
4. try to meet guys in places other than bars. like walmart...just kidding.
5. form better platonic friendships with guys.

i'm trying to come up with a stance with the ex for the summer, but cannot. once again, last night he texts me all kinds of stuff about missing me, wanting to be there for me, hoping to see me more, etc. i want to be healthy about all that too...but it's hard to when i don't know his motives.

might have a date with the jock tonight, but i haven't heard from him. honestly, i'd rather just watch dvds in bed with my cats and not think about boys.

6...5...4...

while wasting time today sitting around at the apartment waiting for the maintenance man to show up (air consitioner leak. ew), i got to thinking about my current situation with men...

i keep saying i need a little break, but i'm not letting that break happen. i mean, i have kissed 4 guys since friday...that is a little out of control/slutty of me. i like guys. a lot obviously. but, do i really need to be making out with 4 of them in less than one week? of course not. of the 6 guys that are a part of my messed up love life right now, i have seen 5 of them in the past 5 days, and kissed 4 of them (the accountant doesn't kiss on first dates or in public, as you know). and i thought i was doing a great job at ignoring the ex, until he popped back up via text message last night.

maybe i should share the wealth...would anyone like one of these guy?

ohhhhh text messages.

how many ridiculous happenings can you fit into one week? i, apparently, am a pro at squeezing a million in.

last night, while anxiously waiting for fall out boy to come on stage, my phone got bombarded by awkward text messages. here are my favorites:

the ex: i miss you.
me: what do you miss?
the ex: you. not sex. well, sex too.

the ex wants to hang out, but thinks i see him as just a piece of meat. being that i have not called him in the last 3 months (we broke up 3 months ago tommorow), i beg to differ.

midnight snack: u think it would be awkward if i came over just to mess around?
later...
midnight snack: i think we are both hoes and i like it.
and later...
midnight snack: can you be as dirty sober?

midnight snack is a hornball. a hornball who drove 40 minutes last night to do god knows what...because nothing really happened. haha. kind of pathetic. and i guess my guy siesta will have to be today...maybe :)

kissing on a first date

the accountant admitted to googling me to read my sex columns. although this has been admitted to me before, it surprised me that a guy i find to be very reserved would be curious about my opinions on sex. here is our text conversation:

me: do you need sex advice or something?
the accountant: are girls down to kiss on the first date these day?
me: i think so. why? (ummmm....this is the guy who DID NOT kiss me on the first date)
the accountant: my friend told me yesterday that she does all the time, just a little surprised is all
me: i mean, i wouldnt do more than kiss
the accountant: yeah, that's probably my stance

obviously it's not his stance if he was so surprised. it's 2007 kid, people conceive children on the first date. is he embarrassed that he didn't kiss me?

in need of a man siesta.

and the lies continue...
the stoner denies all accusations that the rumors were his own doing, so, who knows who is telling the truth. i guess i'll just let it go and move on. i actually really liked him at some points in all of this and thought he was a decent guy, but this is way too much drama for me to continue trying to fix. if he wants to go on believing false things, that's his own choice. i should have seen a long time ago that he is nothing but trouble. lesson learned: it is ESSENTIAL that you have sober conversations with people.

i hung out with "guy i met at sherlocks #5789798789" again last night. for clarity purposes, we'll call him the jock from now on...because he looks like a football player, which isn't a bad thing. i'm kind of up in the air about him. he's really nice and very attentive yet kind of corny. and i don't do corny. maybe i'm just upset right now over things with the stoner and the ex has been on my mind lately, so this guy is going to be picked apart because of timing. i'm also bummed about how perfect things with corpus guy are but that i won't see him for a month at least. oh, and the accountant hasn't called. i'm burnt out, bummed out and in need of a a man siesta. maybe the fall out boy concert tonight and happy hour tommorow will give me a good break from all of this and a chance to clear my head.

ridiculous on a million levels.

there is a large possibility that these rumors that the stoner can't get over and is adament about believing could have been created by HIM all along as something to use against me in order to end things between us. (umm...was he tryinbg to look like the victim here? and if so, why????)

if true, that would be possibly the most absurd thing that has ever happened. i really thought i was 23, not 12. i didn't do anything to him. and, there is a large possibility that his friends...who i have been accusing of making up fake rumors...could be in on it too. noone will answer their phone to straighten out this absurd drama of a lie.

to be continued when answers surface...

pdas, rumors, austin and sushi

i had quite the eventful weekend...

friday night:

started out great drinking and dancing with the girls. while at the bar, the stoner calls me a million times to meet up, but we decide to hold off a bit. in the meantime, the accountant and his friends meet up with us. good thing they didn't both come....that could have been a little too interesting. the accountant and i flirt and dance like it's nobodys business. i was fairly certain that the night would end with a kiss. he even did that deep stare head tilt thing. but, alas, his come hither glances were nothing but a drunken tease. the girls and i leave for the stoner's best friend's condo. i text the accountant.

me: are you afraid to kiss me?
the accountant: i don't kiss in bars.

so that's that. hopefully he doesn't find my pseudo-sexual advances and drunkeness as a turn off. he's kind of reserved.

so...we show up at the guys condo and the stoner starts acting like im his girlfriend. i'm fairly certain he's crazy drunk so i just go with it. things are great until his friends decide to start telling him more lies about me and he freaks out!!!!

the stoner: you are more than just a hook up to me. i like you and i'm opening up too much to you. i don't like doing that. ecspecially when my friends are saying these things. i want to be exclusive, but instead i just can't see you anymore. i want to trust you, but i can't.
me: ummm...i never said anything about us being exclusive, so i don't see how you are breaking up with me when we aren't even together. and why do you always believe them?
the stoner: it's just better we end this now before we hurt each other too much.

so, i guess that's over. turns out, his friends cleared up the rumors, yet he still is persistent that they are true. there must be something else going on, but honestly, i don't care. i'm tired of defending myself to a guy i just wanted to have fun with. i should have just stayed home and watched a movie with midnight snack. he actually wanted to hang out and i already had plans!

saturday night:

when it comes to guys, if i have to go out of my way to see them, it's usually not worth it. so, driving to austin to meet up with corpus guy was a little out of charachter. i hate driving. but, i'm glad i did. we had the perfect night together. good food, good conversation, good drinking and dancing on 6th street. it was seamless. until i woke up from my dream and realized that no matter how perfect it was and how great we were together, we still live 6 hours apart. if i can't handle a boyfriend that lives 30 minutes away, how could i do 6 hours? as corny as it sounds, he is the kind of guy i could see myself marrying. maybe something will happen eventually, but for now he'll just be my reminder that there are amazing guys out there.

sunday night:

sushi and bowling with guy #873482743 i met at sherlocks. wasn't too excited to go when he actually texted me to say what he was wearing. who does that? turns out, he is actually really great and fun. talks a lot, but has interesting stuff to say. we planned on going to a movie, but decided to do something where we could talk. i got 3 strikes in our first round of bowling- go me! he likes miller lite, animals and kids. sounds like a keeper :) date #2 is thursday.

a very successfull weekend. now if i could just settle down with someone...haha.