the goal

as far as guys go, my weeks been very slow. as far as life goes, it hasn't. i've managed to be brutally attacked for no apparent reason via e-mail by a very good friend. i've managed to break my phone and spend a gazillion on one i don't like. i've also managed to change my vacation plans due to my boss threatening to fire me if i leave town too long. yeah, not much time for the boys when all that other stuff is suffocating me. thank goodness it's friday and i get to try to escape from the suffocation of the suckage...

try as i might, i have set myself up for awkwardness. one of my best and only guy friends is coming in town today. he can be a lot to handle, so i invited along the ex, who has been good friends with him since i introduced them years back. so, tonight, it will be the guy friend, the ex, the roomie and me. should make for an interesting night...

when the ex called to confirm our plans last night, as i hung up, i accidently said "love ya." i dreamnt last night that he said it back.

all i want is a weekend with no tears and deep tan lines. that's the goal....

waking up.

confusion can be paralyzing.

i read that on one of my favorite blogs today and it rings so true of my life right now. there is so much confusion, not just in my life, but in the lives of some of my closest friends. it's crippling at times and outright scary. filled with so many questions that require way too much patience than most can handle. and i get into these ruts where i feel so alone and headed towards too many dead ends and i wonder what i did to deserve this disaster as my life.

but then i step back. disaster? life may not be close to perfect, but, in reality it's no disaster. so there's no white picket fence and 2.3 kids in the next year...or two years. but otherwise, i guess i have it pretty damn good. i may wake up alone, but at least i'm waking up. i need to remind myself of that more.

random.

usually on monday i'd do a weekend recap...but, although i had a great time hanging out with one of my favorite people and playing at the lake, there are some things that occurred that are better left unwritten about. instead, i'll share a funny message i received.

some guy who i don't know sent me this random facebook message...

"so I randomly stumbled across your facebook somehow... Ive read some of your articles in the maroon weekly... and Im sure you know better than me about most relationship stuff but it never hurts to hear from someone else... but it seems to me that you're the kind of girl who's so amazing that the good, decent guys are intimidated and the losers just try to get anything they can from you. Nonetheless I don't know you all that well but from what I can tell from your subject matter, your style, your personality through your words... you are an amazing person (not to mention beautiful apparently) and theres no way you're going to go through life single. Eventually a good guy will get the balls to be your "knight in shining armor" and you'll just know it was worth the wait."

does my writing really make me seem that messed up about guys? did i ever say i thought i'd go through life single?

never nothing.

i had a very morbid dream last night, and im very curious as to what i could have been thinking about to have caused it...i think i know, but more on that later.

i dreamnt that i was shot and died in a school shooting, but them my ghost could appear and talk to people who had been extremely close to me when i was alive. thing was, i couldn't talk to multiple of these people at once, i'd only appear to one at a time as i chose. in my dream i could speak to my mom, not my dad. i also appeared to a handful of my closest girl friends, but my best friend was so upset she refused to believe i was really there. another person i could talk to was the ex, who told me had i lived, one day we'd be married. i've only seen him 3 times in the last 3 months, so why did my subconscious deam us "extremely close."

i think it all has to do with a conversation i had with him last night. once again he was talking about missing me and wanting to see me. he said i'm a big part of his life. that we could never be nothing. i asked him if one day he's want to see me get married (cause good friends go to each other's weddings) and he said "don't ask me that! i just want to see you. i can't predict anything further than that." he tried to come over and then turned around because his drunk friend needed a ride. i just think it's all or nothing with him. how do you honestly be friends with the guy you planned on marrying 2 weeks from tommorow.

i don't think either of us saw our lives like this. i don't think this is exactly what i wanted.


on another note...no date last night with the jock. i think he forgot because he never called...hmmm.

hello summer.

happy first day of summer.

after another part of my mini-drama surfaced last night, and i received some good advice from a very nice friend and of course obsessed over the situation with my roommate for hours, i woke up this morning with clarity.

i am replacing the stoners name in my phone with "unhealthy male drama." why would i ever answer a call named that? exactly.

it is summer. a new season. exactly 3 months from making the healthy decision to break up with the ex. i should probably make some healthy decisions for this season too! here they are...

1. no more unhealthy male drama in any way, shape or form. no matter how cute.
2. surround myself with honest people. not fake rumor makers.
3. be patient. some guys dont kiss on the first date.
4. try to meet guys in places other than bars. like walmart...just kidding.
5. form better platonic friendships with guys.

i'm trying to come up with a stance with the ex for the summer, but cannot. once again, last night he texts me all kinds of stuff about missing me, wanting to be there for me, hoping to see me more, etc. i want to be healthy about all that too...but it's hard to when i don't know his motives.

might have a date with the jock tonight, but i haven't heard from him. honestly, i'd rather just watch dvds in bed with my cats and not think about boys.

6...5...4...

while wasting time today sitting around at the apartment waiting for the maintenance man to show up (air consitioner leak. ew), i got to thinking about my current situation with men...

i keep saying i need a little break, but i'm not letting that break happen. i mean, i have kissed 4 guys since friday...that is a little out of control/slutty of me. i like guys. a lot obviously. but, do i really need to be making out with 4 of them in less than one week? of course not. of the 6 guys that are a part of my messed up love life right now, i have seen 5 of them in the past 5 days, and kissed 4 of them (the accountant doesn't kiss on first dates or in public, as you know). and i thought i was doing a great job at ignoring the ex, until he popped back up via text message last night.

maybe i should share the wealth...would anyone like one of these guy?

ohhhhh text messages.

how many ridiculous happenings can you fit into one week? i, apparently, am a pro at squeezing a million in.

last night, while anxiously waiting for fall out boy to come on stage, my phone got bombarded by awkward text messages. here are my favorites:

the ex: i miss you.
me: what do you miss?
the ex: you. not sex. well, sex too.

the ex wants to hang out, but thinks i see him as just a piece of meat. being that i have not called him in the last 3 months (we broke up 3 months ago tommorow), i beg to differ.

midnight snack: u think it would be awkward if i came over just to mess around?
later...
midnight snack: i think we are both hoes and i like it.
and later...
midnight snack: can you be as dirty sober?

midnight snack is a hornball. a hornball who drove 40 minutes last night to do god knows what...because nothing really happened. haha. kind of pathetic. and i guess my guy siesta will have to be today...maybe :)

kissing on a first date

the accountant admitted to googling me to read my sex columns. although this has been admitted to me before, it surprised me that a guy i find to be very reserved would be curious about my opinions on sex. here is our text conversation:

me: do you need sex advice or something?
the accountant: are girls down to kiss on the first date these day?
me: i think so. why? (ummmm....this is the guy who DID NOT kiss me on the first date)
the accountant: my friend told me yesterday that she does all the time, just a little surprised is all
me: i mean, i wouldnt do more than kiss
the accountant: yeah, that's probably my stance

obviously it's not his stance if he was so surprised. it's 2007 kid, people conceive children on the first date. is he embarrassed that he didn't kiss me?

in need of a man siesta.

and the lies continue...
the stoner denies all accusations that the rumors were his own doing, so, who knows who is telling the truth. i guess i'll just let it go and move on. i actually really liked him at some points in all of this and thought he was a decent guy, but this is way too much drama for me to continue trying to fix. if he wants to go on believing false things, that's his own choice. i should have seen a long time ago that he is nothing but trouble. lesson learned: it is ESSENTIAL that you have sober conversations with people.

i hung out with "guy i met at sherlocks #5789798789" again last night. for clarity purposes, we'll call him the jock from now on...because he looks like a football player, which isn't a bad thing. i'm kind of up in the air about him. he's really nice and very attentive yet kind of corny. and i don't do corny. maybe i'm just upset right now over things with the stoner and the ex has been on my mind lately, so this guy is going to be picked apart because of timing. i'm also bummed about how perfect things with corpus guy are but that i won't see him for a month at least. oh, and the accountant hasn't called. i'm burnt out, bummed out and in need of a a man siesta. maybe the fall out boy concert tonight and happy hour tommorow will give me a good break from all of this and a chance to clear my head.

ridiculous on a million levels.

there is a large possibility that these rumors that the stoner can't get over and is adament about believing could have been created by HIM all along as something to use against me in order to end things between us. (umm...was he tryinbg to look like the victim here? and if so, why????)

if true, that would be possibly the most absurd thing that has ever happened. i really thought i was 23, not 12. i didn't do anything to him. and, there is a large possibility that his friends...who i have been accusing of making up fake rumors...could be in on it too. noone will answer their phone to straighten out this absurd drama of a lie.

to be continued when answers surface...

pdas, rumors, austin and sushi

i had quite the eventful weekend...

friday night:

started out great drinking and dancing with the girls. while at the bar, the stoner calls me a million times to meet up, but we decide to hold off a bit. in the meantime, the accountant and his friends meet up with us. good thing they didn't both come....that could have been a little too interesting. the accountant and i flirt and dance like it's nobodys business. i was fairly certain that the night would end with a kiss. he even did that deep stare head tilt thing. but, alas, his come hither glances were nothing but a drunken tease. the girls and i leave for the stoner's best friend's condo. i text the accountant.

me: are you afraid to kiss me?
the accountant: i don't kiss in bars.

so that's that. hopefully he doesn't find my pseudo-sexual advances and drunkeness as a turn off. he's kind of reserved.

so...we show up at the guys condo and the stoner starts acting like im his girlfriend. i'm fairly certain he's crazy drunk so i just go with it. things are great until his friends decide to start telling him more lies about me and he freaks out!!!!

the stoner: you are more than just a hook up to me. i like you and i'm opening up too much to you. i don't like doing that. ecspecially when my friends are saying these things. i want to be exclusive, but instead i just can't see you anymore. i want to trust you, but i can't.
me: ummm...i never said anything about us being exclusive, so i don't see how you are breaking up with me when we aren't even together. and why do you always believe them?
the stoner: it's just better we end this now before we hurt each other too much.

so, i guess that's over. turns out, his friends cleared up the rumors, yet he still is persistent that they are true. there must be something else going on, but honestly, i don't care. i'm tired of defending myself to a guy i just wanted to have fun with. i should have just stayed home and watched a movie with midnight snack. he actually wanted to hang out and i already had plans!

saturday night:

when it comes to guys, if i have to go out of my way to see them, it's usually not worth it. so, driving to austin to meet up with corpus guy was a little out of charachter. i hate driving. but, i'm glad i did. we had the perfect night together. good food, good conversation, good drinking and dancing on 6th street. it was seamless. until i woke up from my dream and realized that no matter how perfect it was and how great we were together, we still live 6 hours apart. if i can't handle a boyfriend that lives 30 minutes away, how could i do 6 hours? as corny as it sounds, he is the kind of guy i could see myself marrying. maybe something will happen eventually, but for now he'll just be my reminder that there are amazing guys out there.

sunday night:

sushi and bowling with guy #873482743 i met at sherlocks. wasn't too excited to go when he actually texted me to say what he was wearing. who does that? turns out, he is actually really great and fun. talks a lot, but has interesting stuff to say. we planned on going to a movie, but decided to do something where we could talk. i got 3 strikes in our first round of bowling- go me! he likes miller lite, animals and kids. sounds like a keeper :) date #2 is thursday.

a very successfull weekend. now if i could just settle down with someone...haha.

a little sexual factoid

ever wonder why post-coital cuddling only happens in the movies?

well, apparently, there is an actual endorphin in men's brains that is released during sex which triggers a very non-romantic reaction after the deed is done. this is why rather than grabbing for you, most guys grab for a beer, cigarette or the remote! they just don't have any lovey-dovey in them.

scientists should definitely come up with a way for women to turn off that endorphin once in a while....that way, rather than waiting by the phone or psycho-analyzing every date, we'd grab a beer and the remote and call it a night!!!!

trust issues.

i've never really had committment issues. i consider myself a boyfriend kind of girl who seems like i can't settle not because i don't like the idea of it, but because if i'm going to only be with one person, they better be damn well worth not seeing other people. this eliminates the possibility of a wandering eye and wandering lips.

i'm not exactly on a quest right now for a boyfriend...i'm actually still really jaded from the boyfriend turned ex turned boyfriend turned ex experience. the emotional drainage is still there and probably will still be there until i can fully replace him in my heart with someone else. unfortunately, i can't seem to take dating very seriously right now. what most girls would love to hear doesn't really appeal to me at the moment.

most girls love hearing themselves referred to as "my girl" as in "i only came over here to see my girl" (which was said last night). most girls also like to hear a guy pour there heart out, admit their flaws and call later to make sure they haven't scared you away with their honesty. girls also like to hear that they are trusted, ecspecially by people with trust issues. so....you'd think that i'd be smitten by the fact that someone sees me as their pseudo-girlfriend (i guess). yeah....you'd think that. but, unfortunately, after hearing all this good stuff, i layed on the dirty patio with my roommate and felt like the biggest ass hole on the entire planet. he, who i've doubted for the last month, declared his exclusivity to me. me, who is anticipating date number 2 with the accountant (who called from his business trip...swoooooon), is meeting corpus guy in austin on saturday, and has a sushi date with "met at sherlocks #87837192" on sunday. yeah, i shouldn't be trusted by the untrusting. at least i'm willing to admit it, right?

innocent as charged.

girls messing around= not cool. guys messing around= high five. ummmm....still not fair!

i know this is an issue that girls have been dealing with practically forever, but i have never had it shoved so deeply in my face as i did last night. the stoner and i reunited after 2 weeks (he's still phoneless, but suddenly persistent). unfortunately, after "enjoying each other's company," he decides to bring up a gossipy little rumor he heard about me, which i thought we had agreed was a misunderstanding.
here's the conversation:

the stoner: glad you came over. was i your plan c again?
me: i thought we were over that.
the stoner: it's still there. it's a little weird when you are sitting around with your buddies, singing a girls praises and they all get quiet.
me: i was KIDDING about having different options to go home with that night.
the stoner: but that's weird, you are a girl. you don't joke about those things.
me: well, i do.
the stoner: so, you want people thinking you get around?
me: no, i want people to get my sarcasm.

apparently if i were a dude, joking about such things would be funny. instead, i am misunderstood and probably looked down upon by all of the stoners friends, some of which i KNOW get around.

so...is this guy so stuck on this because HE is seeing other people and wants me to feel bad so he doesn't, or because he actually likes me as more than a midnight makeout????

and, yes, maybe i am seeing other people, but im not making out with them. so, innocent as charged.

for better or worse

the stoner has returned, for better or for worse. after losing his phone and apparently searching for my number for a week, he has managed to call me from numerous of his friend's phones to proposition me. of course, my parents were in town for the weekend, so nothing happened. is this guy ever sober? i really am starting to doubt it.

of course, the first time we talk in a week, he says "so, how many boyfriends have you collected since i lost my phone?" with him, it always seems to be a question of how many OTHER guys i have. either he is really possessive or he is paraniod that he is the only one seeing other people. i guess i should hope and assume it's the latter, since i am doing that, but i am forced to wonder if i'm the only girl he has kissed in the last month. i'd almost feel sorry for the guy. but...then i'd remember that he gets drunk/high when we are supposed to hang out and practically forces me to look elsewhere. and i'd feel more sorry for any other girl he is doing that too.

in this twisted episode of the bachelorette which is slowly becoming my life, should i just eliminate this one????

the ex boyfriend tango

going in circles with someone must me the most aggravating thing in the world. ecspecially when it's an exboyfriend...

i think the ex and i need to finally settle on the fact that we will never be anything short of utterly messed up and complicated and that's not a good foundation for a friendship. here's the latest conversation.

the ex: so...were you serious about us not being friends?
me: well, i tend to want to know everything about my friend's lives, and i would prefer to know nothing about yours,
the ex: nothing? but i want to know about yours.
me: i don't want to know where you go, who you hang out with and definitely not who you are hooking up with.
the ex: i'm not a slut.
me: i still don't want to know.
the ex: i'll just omit that stuff.

i don't think he gets it.

black out?

is it sometimes better to not be told what happened when you were drunk? maybe we forget things for a reason...

i have a very spotted memory when i am drinking. i'll remember going to the bar...points at the bar...maybe a few moments of the after party, and that's it. the next morning i usually have to ask everyone i remember seeing out to recount what i was doing, who i was talking to, etc. the worst is not remembering instances with guys. recently, i've been talking to a guy...we'll call him "midnight snack" (that's how he saved his name in my phone...it took me a few hours to remember his actual name). everytime we talk he fills me in on a new, racy detail from saturday night. they keep getting more and more revealing. i find m yself saying "are you serious? no way. i would never" more times than i would like to admit. i'm not really embarrassed about the situation....i just wish i could watch it sober and laugh my ass off along with him.

maybe next time i try to go drink for drink with everyone i meet at a wedding i should have a camera following me around. i still would LOVE to know what really happened (there is NO WAY this guy is really telling the truth...)

dates that change things

have you ever been on one of those dates that make you look at guys/girls in a completely different light? i had one of those last night.

dating in dallas is nothing short of an adventure, and adventure is my way of life, so the dating scene here really hasn't fazed me. until last night, i had fully accepted the fact that "dating" had taken on a new meaning- meeting at a bar/watching movies at each other's apartments/ hooking up/ never being together sober. i honestly don't know how many guys i have pseudo dated in dallas that i have NEVER seen sober. that sounds pretty awful, but it's true. so, needless to say, when the accountant i met a few weekends ago at sherlocks asks me out to dinner, i'm pretty shocked! when was the last time i went on a legitimit date with a guy who has a real job and isn't a borderline alcoholic? could my dating life be taking a new turn???

althought i met him at a bar, and beer usually causes me to forget everything, i remembered him being tall and cute, and that he was. for three great hours we ate fondue and talked and laughed (about real things- no inappropriate topics. shocking!). i felt like an adult on a real adult "getting to know the person" kind of date. then it hit me- THIS is dating. real, honest, how i'm going to meet the right guy, DATING.

he walked me to my door like a gentleman, said he'd call me next week after his vacation, gave me a shy hug goodbye and there is was. no attempted makeout. no sexual advances. no going upstairs for an after-date (granted he IS allergic to cats and my roommate and i are pretty much running a cat farm).

at first i was flabbergast over the no kiss situation. was he not attacted to me? was he just shy? then it hit me- some people (ok, noone i know) don't move in for the kill. they are gentlemen. they want the right moment. maybe this guy thought the dark patio of my shady apartment wasn't exactly the scene he had in mind. maybe he is actually romantic.

maybe now i don't know what to think of the other guys i'm talking to...because you can't beat three hours of effortless conversation with a guy that is completely right. when seeing so many guys that are completely wrong, i think i need to make a huge effort not to mess this one up.