a ho hum week

it seems like i haven't written in forever, but it's only been since monday. maybe this week was just a long one. it also was very uneventful. my life has been pretty uneventful! new shows on tv have taken the place of bars and boys and my get fit/eat right for halloween plan is in full swing. the last boy i kissed was a very drunk mohawk man in a bathroom more than a week ago, although the ex would have slept over last friday if he had his way and mr. facebook would have last saturday had i not been in bad with bad allergies. oh well. can't always have my bed filled. ha. i think i just don't have my game face on. maybe i'm just worn out. this nasty cough i have also isn't exactly sexy. do you ever just feel like you have no sexual energy?

to add to my abstinence, i am going to college station to see my girls this weekend. i am definitely not interested in making out with ANY college boys...

i have decided to re-befriend the ex. not sure why...maybe to add some more eventfullness to my otherwise boring life!

it is what it is

"i can be changed by what happens to me. i refuse to be reduced by it." -maya angelou

i have been woozy with allergies for a week and weak with emotions. last night after a parking lot tennis match with the roommate and a nice walk in the fall breeze, i realized i have a lot of toughening up to do. i will be 24 in a little over 2 months. i know i shouldn't have everything figured out and i never really will, but i can at least be true to myself and my heart. i can protect it and stand up for it and not apologize for feeling too much. i can leave well enough alone when i know it's better to do that.

i have let the ex go. he has found someone new to date and i just need to accept that and move on. as much as i want to hate him for the lies and the leading on and the confusion, i can't be reduced by what he has done to me the last 2 years and 10 months. the love is over. i need to leave it alone. on friday he tried to talk to me and meet up with me, but i told him it's done. if it's meant to be it isn't meant to be right now. forging some fake friendship won't make it any better.

as for mr. facebook, i need to realize that he's just not into me. it was great. he was great. i really liked him. but, for whatever reason, that just didn't work out. i was pissed that i didn't know why, but i need to just not care.

as depressing as this all sounds, it's not and i refuse to be any longer. last thursday, a friend told me i seemed different, less joyful, than usual. it was true. i was handed a lot to handle for a week or two there. it changed by mood...it reduced it. but, not anymore. i will be happy with whatever life throws me this week because it is what it is.

starting new

i think that sometimes you have to be thrown some loops, deal with some hard stuff and hit a rough spot in order to get your life in check and prepare for bigger and better things ahead. these last few weeks i have really had to dig deep for happiness and figure out where i'm heading financially, with life and with love. i am so far from where i want to be, yet am making no effort to get there. i can. i will. this is the beginning of that. i have cleansed myself of people that have hurt me. i have dug myself out of my financial rut. i have started to get my life back in order. i'm heading in the right direction....now i just need to be strong.

good things list

the ex is dating someone. mr. facebook is obviously not as into me as i thought. and the real estate man from this weekend (more on that later) is questionable. looks like a happiness list is much needed. maybe this time i can make it much longer!

1) the sex and the city movie is in pre-production this week!
2) the ashleys...they tend to know exactly how to be there and what to say when i'm obsessing over one of the ex's asshole routines.
3) i am much much prettier than the ex's dating partner. ok, that might sound vain and bitchy, but this is MY happiness list and thinking that makes me very happy.
4) taking a walk after work today. it's beautiful out and exactly what i need.
5) wine, the hills and sherlocks (to see the introverts cover band play!) tonight
6) writing a kick ass winter fashion article for the magazine!
7) my new juicy couture perfume =)
8) having black-ish hair again
9) the fact that things can't get worse...so, better days are ahead
10) being too busy this week with social plans to actually care how much certain guys suck

ok...i feel slightly better. back to work!

too careful

ignorance is bliss. i wish i were more ignorant.

i need to be more careful. more careful of what i believe and who i believe in. this is why i give up and ignore, it's easier to not get hurt that way. why even try trusting in something...someone...if they will eventually just leave or go a different way?


"don't you see, don't you see, that the cherade is over? and all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards, go to you. cause kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time that i let you." -dashboard confessional

i'm here. where are you?

you don't always get what you want...or who you want.

and that sucks.

four years ago a guy broke things off with me because i wouldn't sleep with him. i was so angry at him for disrespecting my choice to wait and for leading me on. but, now, i'm obviously over it and him and can appreciate the fact that he was at least honest with me. sex was an important factor to him in a relationship, so he cut the ties before they became too thick. if only other guys could give us girls that much respect. even if the reason they are ending things is for shallow or asinine reasons, honesty would get them so much further.

so, all i'm asking for is an explanation for the silence, the obvious avoidance and what, if anything, went wrong. i know it's not me. i was nice, genuine and not clingy (in the least!). but, instead of asking for the reasoning, like i normally would, i will be patient and be here. not waiting by the phone, but hoping for a phone call.

interesting article

i read about 5 articles about relationships a day...research for my column i guess. anyways, i just read this article on tips for men picking up women and i found it particularly interesting...

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=7306&TrackingID=523934&BannerID=566942&menuid=6&GT1=10391

Gray

"We had left the world of black and white, and now everything was gray."- Carrie Bradshaw

Gray...that's how i feel everything with guys is right now. Where's the ex who kissed my feet and begged to be my best friend go? Where's Mr. Facebook who e-mailed me everyday and our situation seemed to be moving into exclusive waters go? Maybe i'm just having an off week. My encounters with boys this week has involved a run in with the Introvert on Monday, in which he tried to come over when i was sleeping; phone tag with Midnight Snack; meeting an interesting guy that we'll call Mohawk (because he has a mohawk), but nothing happening and then my best guy friend coming over for chinese and scary movies. All a bunch of anti-climatic episodes that have ammounted into a weekend full of girls nights. Don't get me wrong, I love my girl friends, but a date would be nice or something more black and white.

trying to be positive.

the ex has been a royal jerk lately and although i know that mr. facebook is back in town, i have not heard from him. so, needless to say, i'm kind of bummed out by some things right now. but, since i refuse to let my happiness be codependent on the way guys are treating me and the direction of my love life, i will make a list of non-guy reasons that i am happy. i'm tired of complaining about men.

1) i won $75 in a raffle at a luncheon yesterday. coach purfume... here i come!
2) i've been really productive at work lately
3) my friends are amazing and supportive =)

ok, i can only think of 3 right now. maybe i'm in a little bit of a happiness rut at the moment. hopefully i can snap out of this by the weekend.

anywhere but here.

do you ever have those days where you want me be anywhere but where you are?

it's raining outside and i am sitting in my office alone, listening to joshua radin, which is making me mildly depressed. i've had two great weekends away and now life seems to be slowing down and i'm anxious about everything. work. guys. the future. it's all driving me a little crazy at the moment. so much going away really makes me hate coming back.

i'm also stuck thinking about a text-message fight i got in with the ex over the weekend. he really showed me that with him, i'm an option, not a priority. in tampa, i was an hour long phone call everynight. now, that he's back, with friends, i am nothing to him. he was mad that i even wanted to talk to him over the weekend. i was with my best friend and still tried to say hi. he was too busy to give me 5 seconds of his time...and he let me know. i havent't talked to him since, although he did say he's call when he got back to dallas from college station. he got my hopes up again when he was in tampa. not romantic hopes, but hopes that this friendship thing was for real. maybe it's not.

looks like i won't be talking to mr. facebook this week...he texted me last night to say he's in el paso because his grandfather had a heart attack :( poor guy.

cloud nine

i am filled with anxiety. 3 weeks and things with mr. facebook are going great. perfect really. we went to dinner for his birthday last night and hung out at his place playing wii (he pretty much kicked my ass at everything except boxing). i love being around this guy...more than i have loved being around a guy in a really long time. we can have serious conversations about what we want to do with our lives as well as hang out and be silly. and when he kisses me, i completely lose it.

i'm anxious because what would such a gorgeous, smart and funny guy want to do with me? not that i have completely low self esteem, but i know a catch when i see one...and he is definitely a catch. i'm sure he could have anyone he wanted! i keep telling myself that i can's screw this one up. this is what i'm looking for in a guy and in a relationship (or whatever it is).

i wish i knew how he felt and what he wants from all of this. i refuse to go further physically with him unless i know things between us are exclusive....but at the same time, i don't want him to feel cornered into a relationship. i'd rather not know than have him hurt my feelings. i'd rather keep things going as they are and stay as happy as i am now. maybe i should start giving him the benefit of the doubt...we spend a lot of time together and talk almost daily. would he put in so much effort if he didn't eventually want something?