gossip.

surprisingly enough, gossip was never a problem in college. my friends knew when something i told them was a secret and when it was ok to talk about without me around. and i had the same respect for them.

in dallas, that doesn't seem to always be the case. more often that not, one of my friends will tell me something they heard about me from another one of our friends. this doesn't apply to everyone here, but it's just never been like this for me. i've never felt that i need to sensor myself or start every sentence with "please don't share this with anyone."

and i often have my friends tell me our other friends secrets and say "don't tell her you know this..." maybe i should just start saying "ok, then just don't tell me!"

it's not like this is suddenly becoming some big problem, it started with those rumors over the summer and how people's words were getting mixed up....but it's just something i'm noticing a lot again. i need to be careful who i say things around. big time. which sucks.

so long november...

november was amazing, for the obvious reasons and the not-so-obvious reasons.

obviously- everything with H
not-so-obviously- i completely moved on from the ex

obviously- the magazine came out
not-so-obviously- i finally decided i am content with my career

obviously- i spent a long time with my family
not-so-obviously- i realized how much i have grown up this year

obviously- december (my favorite month!) starts tommorow
not-so-obviously- i never thought i'd be excited to turn 24 (seems old!) but i am excited!!!!

so, yes, this month was great and i cannot wait for the next one. 31 days till 2008...wow.

deal breakers

i was reading the comment board on one of my favorite blogs ( http://www.glamour.com/sexmen/blogs/alyssa) and somehow the topic shifted to "deal breakers" when finding a partner. i thought many of theirs were pretty funny and got to thinking about what mine would be. i think mine have changed a lot, which is to be exspected, and some things i definitely have just learned to tolerate with guys (for one, smoking. i hate it, but won't let it be a deal breaker). so...here's my list:

1. lives with his parents
2. always drunk
3. bad hygiene
4. overly motivated by money/talks about it too much
5. talks down to people
6. cusses too much
7. litters
8. doesn't like animals
9. acts different around his friends
10. not consistent

that's all i can come up with for now. luckily H doesn't have any of those. he's not perfect though, which i found out last night after waiting hours for him while he was at work and therefore didn't get to go on the "perfect date" he had planned. night ended well though and everything was resolved, which is all that really matters.

three years to freedom.

the ex and me on my 22nd birthday (does it look like i'm strangling him?)

almost 2 years later... H and me (and a few of his coworkers) at his work party a week ago.

strange how much can change in through the years, ecspecially when you can vividly recall what your life was like at each point.

three years ago i was juggling guys, semi-dating a guy who was too nice for his own good and had yet to meet the ex. i was about to turn 21 and was a little (very) wild and very happy and carefree. had yet to have my heart broken severely.

two years ago i was with the ex (see picture above), thought i'd met the man i'd one day marry, but was putting up with a lot of shit i didn't need to be putting up with. i was happy yet terribly unhappy all at the same time. that picture makes me look pretty darn happy though...guess i didn't know how things would crash in 2 months.

one year ago i was freshly back with the ex. he was amazing, adoring and most of all- fun! i was hopefull (and blind) and looking forward to a weekend with the ex. and a few months of bliss...that would predictably not last.

now, i am realistic. happy. optimistic. but, the ex won't leave me alone! he can't crack me now and maybe he is just trying to be nice, but calling me two days in a row just to hear about my thanksgiving, inviting me out with his friends and texting me "i miss you carrie" just doesn't seem right for a guy with a girlfriend. i'm his ex too! i'm the girl he thought he'd marry too! how is this fair to his girlfriend? H knows the situation (well, most of it) with the ex and would rather me not see him. wasn't planning on it, but i don't mind him not wanting me to. as he said "i trust you. just not him. he's clearly not over you."

i think the ex is over me...he just doesn't want me to be over him. and i am. completely. thank you H!

cat lady...or wife?

last night my roommate and i decorated our christmas tree. when we were done, we realized how eclectic is was. blue bulbs, texas a&m ornaments, wooden santas, cheap little things we bought in college and lots and LOTS of cat ornaments. i'd say there are about 15 cat ornaments on our tree. does that officially qualify us as cat ladies? one day, when i have children, are they going to be decorating the tree and say "mom, why do you have so many cat ornaments?" i mean, hopefully keelee and kirbi will be around to meet my babies, so it won't be so strange. cats live about 10 years i think. the way H talks, if we had kids, my kitties will grow up with them!!! (scary, i know).

speaking of reproducing, and hence, getting married, a group of my close girlfriends and i were talking about it over dinner last night. one of them said she bets i'm engaged within a year. but then she said she can't really see me getting married, let alone being engaged. like, she just can't imagine that. i don't know if i should be offended by that or not. i always thought i'd get married straight out of college just like everyone else in my family! so, to me, being engaged at 24 doesn't seem so far fetched. then, i guess married at 25. it's not like i'd be packing up my life and moving far away for a husband. i'd be here. all that would change would be my maritial status and well...ok, everything would change. the more i think about it though, the more i'm ready. is H completely changing me??? could i go from cat lady to wife in a year?

worth waiting for

i haven't written in almost two weeks, mainly because i spent the last 8 days at my parent's house. as nice as getting away was, it almost felt like too long. there came a point where I desperately wanted to be back in dallas with my friends and H. maybe going home for that long isn't neccesary. as much as i love my family, this is my home and i need downtime here too.

everything with H is still amazing, even nearly a month after it all began. i'm scared of getting hurt, but i'm beginning to trust him and trust that the outcome with him won't necessarily be bad. i am finally starting to get on the same page as him about everything with us. after only a month, these emotions seem fast, but they are real. very real. i'm not sure how in only a month i am suddenly in a serious relationship with a very tangible future. it's happening though and i'm not going to stop it or question it. it all feels so natural and right. even the cheesy texts and emails H sends me are starting to grow on me. could this be it? i'll be honest, we've talked about it. i've been "dating" guys for about 12 years...this was the one worth waiting for.

i found this amusing...ecspecially the scientific meanings:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate

different planets, same birthday

here is a long overdue picture of kirbi and me on halloween! he doesn't look too excited...

today is the ex's and H's birthday. four years apart and worlds apart. yet, same birthday and same zodiac. here's a personality profile i found for people born today:

You crave stability in most aspects of your life, including your career and home life. However, your love life is rather dramatic. You are a passionate person who lives for the drama of love and romance, which may not be immediately apparent. People often turn to you for advice. You are an insightful and perceptive person, and you have many creative talents and hobbies. Inventive and original, you need freedom of movement and thought in your career in order to feel fulfilled.

strange thing is, although the ex and H come from different planets, the things above ARE the things they have in common.

red roses

i started this blog about six months ago because i felt like my love life was a little out of control, had too many funny stories about boys and as a way to amuse myself during a very interesting time in my dating life. at a point i was almost dating five people at once, at another point i was almost getting back together with the ex. now, three weeks from my 24th birthday, with three magazines under my belt and more security than i thought possible as i try to figure out this whole grown up thing, i suddenly have an amazing boyfriend to go along with everything. a boyfriend who is an adult in every sense of the word. who doesn't get carded (that was kind of embarrassing last night when i did and he didn't). who gives me two red roses and says "i'm falling in love with you" with a fire in the fireplace and a delicious glass of wine.

is this my fairy tale? is this really happening to me? do i really get to wake up next to this amazing person and then an hour later have a sweet e-mail from him in my inbox? i am overwhelmed.

falling

over the weekend, H said he is falling for me. can that really happen after just two weeks? in high school, i think my boyfriend told me he loved me after we'd been dating just three weeks. the ex told me after a month and a half. but....two weeks? granted, he didn't say "i love you," but saying "i'm falling for you" is pretty darn close.

there are a few things that are making me nervous here. first, is age. H turns 28 on wednesday. i'm all for dating a 28 year old. but, not a 28 year old who is on a wife hunt, and will therefore tell me things like "i'm falling for you" just because he wants to fall for anyone. cute and has a steady job? check please! haha. the one thing that helps is how often he says how picky he is. i hope that's true, because although i am only going to be in a serious relationship with someone i would potentially marry, i don't have an agenda to find my husband. i just want to let that happen.

other than the apprehension over the rushing of the relationship, everything with H has been amazing. i have never met a guy who makes me feel so good about myself. i'm all in and ready for wherever this goes. scared? absolutely. excited? very. falling? we'll see.

so good.

i am dating H (the guy i met at my friends's dad's halloween party). he is a great guy and i haven't felt so safe and happy with someone since last winter with the ex. we've been hanging out a lot this past week and a half and talk constantly. he is the sweetest guy i've ever met, which is scary since i'm so cynical and figure most things guys say are a load of crap. but, i'm trying to not put up walls. i'm trying to roll with everything and appreciate how lucky i am to have met someone like this. someone with his life together who is open to a relationship.

one thing that makes me sad is that i have allowed guys who don't treat me this great into my life. like, the ex. i loved him for so long, yet he never was so excited about me. never said nice things for no reason. never made me feel secure. and other guys just took advantage of me. if i had waited, could i have found someone like H sooner?

i am so happy right now with H. it's a weird feeling, but so good.

someone

last week, after canceling plans with the ex, i became an emotional mess after finding out that he does indeed have a girlfriend. then, i realized that mohawk and mr. facebook weren't really talking to me anymore. i was a mess. i was done. i was pissed and hurt and tired of the game. yes...."game." it had all become a game. the ex wanting to see me and talk to be and be bff when he had a girlfriend? mohawk and mr. facebook not seeing past my body? not interested.

then, friday, at my friend's dad's halloween party, i met someone. someone i initially made fun of and judged, but, almost a week later have grown really fond of. he's nice. he's real. he has his head on straight. and he likes me and tells me that. he wants to see me without me saying a word. and our date on tuesday was perfect. he doesn't want to just date around. he wants something. me too.