i am going to be a teacher...

a week ago i found out that i am going to be a high school teacher =) a high school english teacher and a volleyball and softball coach. i am still in shock and couldn't be more excited! i actually can't stop thinking about how exciting it is. and a little scary, but mainly really exciting. i have already started a box of books and decorations and have started reading bunches of books about teaching. wow. i'm about to start a pretty wild ride of shaping the minds of teenagers.

new place. new job. life is good. kind of financially scary being that i'll be going a month without a paycheck...but, i can manage. target's stock may go down though! ha.

moving...

tomorrow i am moving for the third time in two years. that seems so excessive. maybe i just can't find a permanent place here that i like. from living alone in las colinas, to with ashley in addison to alone in dallas. each year becomes such a different experience. i'm excited about my new place...it's huge, near my friends and H and i have great decorating expectations that will be fun to do together. but, worries from two years ago can't help but come back up. will i be lonely again? will i feel poor all the time? will i somehow mess something up so the whole place permanently smells like sewage? (that really happened...i think there was something nasty going on in the trash compactor. that plus kitty poop = GROSS). so, a new journey and lots of carrying heavy boxes begins again tomorrow. here's hoping that a year from now H and i move in together and stay at that place for a very long time.

abandoned for a bit.

i opened my paper journal (yes, those still exist) the other day and realized i hadn't written since october 20, 2007. so, i proceeded to write an explanation/apology for my dissapearance. then i stopped myself...why was i apologizing to a notebook? was i apologizing to the me in 10 years who will read that journal and say "wow carrie, what a jerk you were for not updating yourself on your life for 7 months." i mean, yes, important things have happened in the last 7 months...like H obviously...but apologizing to a notebook?! am i NUTS?

i haven't touched this thing in almost two months. so, just so you don't think i care more about my notebook journal, i am sorry. life got in the way and i honestly had nothing to witty to say about that.

THAT couple.

H has consistently sent me the best e-mails for the past 5 months (yes, can you believe it- i met him 5 months ago!?). everyday i get some sort of sweet e-mail, many of which would make you vomit in your mouth. here's an example, which was sent to me this morning.

"You! ARE! YUMMY!! I could just stare at you for days and weeks and months and years and the rest of my life. . . . AND I WILL!!!!
Have a great day today babe. MMMUAH!!!!"

over the easter weekend, H and i stayed on the riverwalk in san antonio. despite his battle with food poisoning the night before we left (poor guy!) he was the most romantic guy imaginable. after spending three amazing days with him, it was hard to go all day monday without him around. luckily, yesterday he had tickets the to sneak peak of the new movie "21," so i got to spend the evening with him and his friends drinking beer at the movies, which was great. we kept staring at each other throughout the whole thing and then were caught kissing on the escalator. yes, we are THAT couple. we send cheesy e-mails, are constantly holding hands and kiss in front of hundreds of people like we don't give a damn. and i don't puke in my mouth at all.

somedays

somedays i think about you and what a year has done to me. a year ago on friday i let you go. not because i wanted to, but i had to. you forced me to. you said you loved me, but even mutual friends said that an onlooker wouldn't have known it. i was crushed that i was throwing away the "love of my life," the best thing that happened to me...and to some, the worst. you blinded me. for about two and a half years i was in love with you and did not think there was anyone i could love more. noone i could love so fast, laugh so much with and be completely myself around. you are the reason that when people claim they've met "the one," i question it. you were my second love, but my first great love. you prepared me for what i have now and how honest i have become in the last year.

but he has been the one who has really changed me. challenged me. made me see who i want to be. you may have shown me what love is, but he has shown me what love should be like.

i'm glad we talk now. i can't even remember the last time we saw each other though. i don's miss you, even when i think about you. even when i think about us. i would never go back. somedays i do wonder if you wish you could go back and change how things ended up a year ago. but, everday, i'm glad they are over. i wouldn't change a thing.

where is spring????

i think i am going crazy. i hate cold rain. i've decided that i don't even like the brief snow we got. i want spring damnit! i want to read outside, workout outside, ride my bike without turning pink, wear flip flops constantly and be able to lay out and SWIM. even thinking of swimming and laying out makes me salivate. i am obsessed with the idea of heat!!!!

when i was 3.5, my family got plucked out of wyoming and inprisoned in louisiana. i had never felt such heat and humidity. i ran around completely naked because i couldn't breath. my parents would dress me and within minutes i was just in my diaper, if even that (shouldn't i have been potty trained by 3.5????) unfortunately, there is picture evidence of my nudist summer. in many of these pictures i have a lone orange mardi gras bead on top of my head as some sort of crown. strange. after 20 something years in the south, i can now say that throwing me back to wyoming would be instant torture. i'm sure i'd love the scenery, but the cold? nothankyou.

democat

keelee is a demoCAT? get it? =)

i love march.

i love march. it means it's almost spring and this back and forth god awful weather will go away, sort of. for some reason this winter i'm really hating the cold. i want to be outside. i want to buy dresses, not sweaters. i've bought one item, yes ONE, of cold weather clothes and as much as i love it (my red GAP coat), i feel like i'm the red coat girl. i wear it WAY too much for being such a bright coat.

here are some other things i'm loving:
1) spanish cheese. H took me to texas de brazil sunday and i couldn't get enough of it!
2) the new GO international designers at target. today i tried on about 10 shirts and somehow left with just one. do i have shopping self control all of a sudden?
3) kate voegele. great singer and she's on one tree hill. =)
4) the way H takes care of me if i'm sick or hurt...he's SO sweet, it'd make you puke a lil bit in your mouth
5) how happy some of my friends are with the guys they are dating.
6) only 2 months left in my lease...bye bye ghetto!!!!

bikini lust

i am not one of those girls who goes around complaining that i am fat and i definitely don't draw attention to my inperfections. if i really cared THAT much i'd be at the gym everyday and i'd measure my weight on a scale rather than through my clothes size. i wear a small or extra small top at most places (which is weird since my boobs are big) and the same size bottom i wore my sophomore year of high school. i'm not large...although i DO have beer in my belly that enjoys being there. and now....i have bikini lust, which doesn't work well with beer hanging out in my mid-section.

there are two bikinis at victoria's secret that i am in love with (well, one that H is in love with and one that i am). so, starting in march i'm doing a bootcamp three days a week from 6 - 7 a.m. for someone who can barely wake up at 8 a.m., this is going to suck! but, H said if i stick with it, he'll buy me the bikini he likes. i've never owned a $70 bikini before (i'll stick with my target and old navy ones for $30 thankyouverymuch). motivated? YES i am. and if i stick with it, i'll also buy myself the bikini i like. six pack by summer? probably not. but, if i could feel comfortable walking around in a skimpy victoria's secret bikini this summer, i'll be pretty proud!!!! =)

100th post!

have i really written 100 posts about my love life, lack of a love life or when my love life finally fell into place? seems like a lot, but my posts have definitely become less frequent lately. do you really want to hear about how H and i went to brunch, ikea and saw a movie yesterday? want to hear about our camping trip and how a week later i still have ginormous (sp?) and painful bruises from my biggest fall yet (and trust me....i've had bad falls!). probably not. but, for the sake of boredom and the fact that the magazine comes out today (yay!), i guess i'll start writing again.

here's an update:

- i haven't talked to the ex since my birthday. isn't that crazy...and great?! and, obviously, the best thing being that i have H
- i actually haven't talkeed to any of the guys mentioned in this blog since my birthday or around that time. life got busy. i got in a serious relationship and i guess it'd be inappropriate to talk to them. is it?
- H and i are GREAT. for valentines he made me dinner, gave me flowers and lit a fire and had candles all over. i hadn't had a good valentines in three years (since the ex and i's first). H has a great way of fixing things i've lost faith in. like love. too good to be true? yup. but it's all true. hence why it's difficult to write a blog about dating....going on and on about how great H is would be very vomit inducing. =)

until i figure out what to write about that doesn't include my perfect weekends and how H is reversing all the scarring the ex gave me....bye bye!

knocked up (but not)

are there other guys out there that say things such as "first we'll get a house and a dog, and once we've proven we can parent the dog, we'll have a baby. so, i see us having a baby in 3 years?"

can you see me with child when i'm 27? i guess that's really not crazy, being that my mom was having me, her second kid, at 27. but, this is ME we are talking about, not my mom (who i think was born to be a mom). i don't like thinking about being 27 in the first place. 25 i can handle. even 26. but 27? yuck. i think that's when i'll start lying about my age.

i just hope i'm not the first of all of my friends to get knocked up. "carrie, wanna go out?" "can't, gotta breast feed." yeah, not so much.

here's hoping my feelings about this (and maturity level) change in the next few years, or H will have to find someone else to carry his baby. =)

a break in the storm

i am in between production/editing and printing the magazine and have somewhat of a break in the storm that is putting together a magazine. sometimes i love the fact that i have partial creative and editorial control over such a thing and other times i wonder what other people do to pass the time at work and if they are lonely/frustrated/addicted to other people's personal blogs as much as i am. sometimes the silence kills me, other times it makes me crave my bed. in august, if i get a teaching job, i bet i miss this silence that i get all day. but, i know i won't be lonely. either way, i think if i was teaching what i'm doing now rather than doing it, i'd be much happier. i've used my knowledge, now it's time to pass it along.

can i go home now?

PART 1: YOU

Were you a planned baby?: yep
Were you the first?: nope and i'm very much the youngest child

PART 2: YOUR PERSONALITY

Do you have low self esteem?: nope
Do you get depressed about things easily?: sometimes i get really sad about stuff
Are you happy right now?: kinda. i'm hating work right now but i'm otherwise pretty good.

PART 3: APPEARANCE

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: yup
Describe your hair: dark dark brown...maybe too dark

PART 4: RANDOM

Ever been kicked out of a bar?: yes, coyote ugly in austin! oops.
Ever been arrested?: could have, but i was only 16

PART 5: THE OUTDOORS

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: out, cept for when it's really really cold or hot
Do you like walking in the rain?: no, i hate when my pants and shoes get wet. gross!
Do you like thunderstorms?: yes, unless i am driving

PART 6: FOOD

Are you a vegetarian?: tried once, but now no
Anything you absolutely could eat forever?: cookie dough ice cream
What is your favorite dessert?: see answer above

PART 7: RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE

Do you want to get married?: yes yes!
Have you ever been in love?: yep =)
Are you in a relationship?: yep =)

PART 8: RANDOM QUESTIONS

Where is your cell phone? on my desk
Your dream last night?: don't remember
Your favorite drink?: HI-C orange
Your fears?: someone close to be dying or being paralyzed
Who did you hang out with last night? H
Do you like anyone?: yes...
Who is it?: my boyfriend!
One of your wish list items?: a puppy...but first i need a house and a husband.
Where did you grow up?: Lafayette, LA
What are you wearing?: black pants, green shirt
Tattoos?: none for me!
Ketchup: all out.
Your computer?: nice i guess
Your life?: blessed :-)
Your friends?: are great, but i really miss the far away ones
What are you thinking about right now?: how i should be working
Your work?: sometimes fun, sometimes not so much
Your summer?: cannot wait!!!!
Your favorite color(s)?: red, yellow, turquoise
When is the last time you laughed?: this morning
Last time you cried?: last night =(
Last IM?: on gmail right now
Who knows the most about you? ash m
Have you ever seen a dead body?yes, at a wake
What should we do with stupid people? educate them
What is making you sad right now? being at work
What was the first thing you did this morning? kissed H =)
Last person you went out to lunch with? H
Are you spoiled? kinda
Do you drink lots of water? yep
How do you vent your anger? crying....i'm good at crying
The last compliment you received?: "you are so gorgeous, even with puffy eyes"
What did you do last weekend:? hung out with alison, shopped, ft. worth rodeo with the crew, mountain biked
When was the last time you threw up? randomly a few weeks ago
What theme does your room have? it's pretty eclectic...brown and turquoise
Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child? mama's for sure!
Would you ever join the military? no, never
The last website you visited? facebook
Who was the last person you took a picture with? H
Who was the last person you watched a movie with:? katie...27 dresses =)
What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year? who knows, it's not for 11 months
Number of layers on your bed? 1
Is anything alive in your room? kirbi and keelee
Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? forward
What are you looking forward to right now? AHH tonight and california with H for easter- YAY =)

heart clouds <3

a love/hate relationship

i love and hate how certain scents bring up certain memories or just thoughts of a person. like, my VO5 hair shiner will probably always make me think of meeting H because it's slight peppermint scent smells just like his apartment.

a non-welcomed scent occurred this morning as i was trying to find a perfume to wear. i noticed a little bit left in a victoria's secret sample and quickly dabbed it on. suddenly, my nose filled up with memories of the ex (i must have worn that a lot on our second go around). i walked out of the bathroom trying to rub the scent off when i was struck by another ex reminder...joshua radin was playing on my pandora radio. not just any josh radin song, but one that the ex put on the last mix cd he gave me.

i don't miss the ex. not one drop. he's never on my mind, so it's odd when memories of him come flooding back via scents and sounds. the first thought today was- would i trade what i have now in for what i had, with him, a year ago? honestly, the only thing i do miss about him is our common interest in bands and tv shows. it was fun to have someone love exactly the same songs as me and to watch my teenage soaps with...but, otherwise, that's it. i don't miss the way i always questioned his love for me. i don't miss feeling like i came in second to his bars. i don't miss the way he'd make me feel like shit. i don't miss the love we had. if i never see him again, i wouldn't be that dissapointed. i do hope he's doing well and i still care about him. but, all my love is with H. smelling and hearing the past only made me that much more greatful for the present.

work is taking over.

work is taking over my life for the next month, which definitely makes the fact that H works crazy hours very bearable, knowing he is staring at his computer too. on to of dealing with work and the spring issue i'm trying to start studying for my teaching tests and making a game plan for getting a teaching job. and with the columns starting...ahhhh...so much going on. so, if you are reading this and you notice that you never see me, this is why. it's not that i am constantly with H, but that my head is shoved in a computer or book.

lucky.

i am a lucky girl. i wake up 4 mornings a week next to someone whose first action is to kiss the back of my neck and whisper "i love you." he's the first person i talk to each morning (whether we are together or not) and the last person I talk to before I go to bed. when i send him e-mails at work saying i'm upset, he calls me immediately to make sure i'm ok and talk me through everything. if he goes more than a few hours without hearing from me, he calls to make sure i'm ok. last night i asked him what if we are wrong about everything and he suddenly falls out of love or something happens with us. his response- "i'm not worried about us for at least 60 years. then we just have to concentrate on staying alive."

how can i not crave the day when i can buy all the bridal magazines at barnes & noble when i'm as lucky as i am now?

dating in 2008

here is a sneak peak at my first Sex and the Station column for the year. i have now written this column for 3 whole years!!! the one below will come out on January 17. enjoy! =)

How to Get a Date in 2008

It’s safe to say that many people’s New Year’s resolutions have something to do with romance. Whether it’s reclaiming the flame with a longtime love, making things work with your new love or just finding love in general, there’s a lot to be said for love in the New Year. It’s a great time to not only resolve to be a better partner, but if you are single, it’s a great time to resolve to find the right kind of people to date and take a chance at finding something worth keeping. Was your dating life not so ideal in 2007 (or 2006, 2005, 2004…well, you get the idea)? Then, this is the year to make the big change. Step outside your comfort zone, approach dating in a different light and open yourself to the possibility that love will find you when you let it fit into your life. Here are some fresh ways to approach dating this year!

1) Get over your past
The first road block to a new dating life this year is the baggage you’re caring. If you are not over your ex, you are not open to new love. So, how do you move on from this seemingly impossible road block? You look at your situation as one of opportunity. The heartbreak that comes with a breakup is in part due to the fear that you will never find anything better and will therefore lead a lonely, miserable life. This is not the case! There is someone out there for you that would never think of breaking your heart, the key is to know that and seek it! Move on from last year and into this year.

2) Be optimistic
Was last year a horrible year for your dating life? Did you get dumped, go months without a single kiss and even ring in this New Year on the couch with DVDs of The Office as your date? That doesn’t mean that you should mope around thinking this year is bound to be the same. So 2007 you found yourself in a dating rut? It’s not 2007 any longer! Being down on yourself is the second hardest road block to overcome to getting on the road to meeting your ideal partner. By looking ahead and not at the hardships and loneliness behind you, you’ll be able to make all the resolutions below work to your best advantage.

3) Leave the comforts of your dating circle
We have all created dating circles for ourselves, whether that just means ruling out certain parts of the demographic from our dating field or just sticking to a certain type. Creating such a circle is not a good way to meet new people and will likely have you dating in cycles. What hasn’t worked in the past won’t miraculously work now! I’m not saying to not have standards, but to create wider boundaries. Don’t rule out dating jocks because you hate sports or be apprehensive to meet someone at church because you were at Northgate the night before. The guy a year younger than you might be more mature that your ex boyfriend that was five years your senior- you’ll never know until you try!

4) Approach and you will be approachable
The worst thing that can happen when you approach someone you are interested in is that they won’t express the same interest back. Ok, that might suck, but you won’t know for certain that it will be the outcome until you’ve tried. Even if your efforts aren’t rewarded or appreciated, by appearing so outgoing and friendly you are most likely to be approached by those that are interested in you. My boyfriend told me that if I hadn’t approached him at the party we met at, that he would have been too shy to make the first contact because he doesn’t think he has any “game.” A little confidence can go a long way….which brings us to number four.

5) Confidence is key
When I’ve approached guys in the past have I always been swelling with confidence? Not in the least! It is all about appearing to be confident. The most confident thing you can do is smile. This shows the person that you are approaching that you are friendly and easy going. A genuine smile will put the person at ease while creating an open interaction. After the initial smile, do not hesitate in your approach, as this tells him or her that you are not genuinely feeling confident- an immediate turn-off. Once there, positive body language is very important. If you approach hunched over with your head down, you are sending negative information about yourself, which makes you dead in the water before you begin. Stand up straight, with shoulders back and chest out, and use a firm yet relaxed walk. Even if you are scared to death, you will seem completely comfortable and confident!

6) You are what you date
You know the famous saying, “you are what you eat?” The same goes for dating. Are you trying to lose weight this year? Then date someone who has the same motivation to work out as you want. Do you really hate the bar scene? Then stop meeting guys at bars! Who you date and who you look at as a potential date is a reflection of you and what you deem important, so this year, above all else, resolve to date people who are appropriate for you and where you are going with your life. Don’t date rude, disloyal or angry people just because you are lonely. This will just make you miserable. Date someone who emulates how you want to be and they will bring out the best in you!

clean up and airing dirty laundry.

today i was wondering why i even write on this thing anymore. i don't have exciting dating adventures to share. i don't have many long distance friends catching up on my life. shit, my life isn't really that interesting right now and i'm sure it would be vomit inducing if i just went on and on about how great H is and what sweet thing he said to me today. yeah, you would all puke in your mouths!

so...let's move on to something else. a little clean up, if you will =)

am i writing about you? probably not. i generalize a lot about situations. if something bothers me, like people criticizing the speed of H and i's relationship, i'll mention it after it has built up from lots of people. i don't often get mad at people, but at topics. that topic? well, i'm tired of it. i finally even told H about the flack i'm getting, hoping he was getting the same flack and we could figure it out together. his response? he wondered why it even gets to me. good point.

another H related thing bothering me? when people are surprised that i have a boyfriend or find it odd or think that it is out of charachter and that now i am probably completely different. um...i recently had an on again off again boyfriend called "the ex" who was in my life for nearly 3 years! and we were pretty darn serious. am i your classic bachelorette? not in the least. i've been writing a sex/relationship column for 3 years because, well, who wouldn't want that job and it's an extra chunk of change in this shopaholics wallet! yes, between boyfriends- like when i started this thing over the summer- i dated around. a lot. was i a player? maybe. but, through all that did i secretly wish things had worked out differently with the ex or craved meeting an H? absolutely. my wild streaks are rebounds and lame attempts at filling some void i let control me. i'll admit it!

so, that is that. oh....and can i rant about one more thing? recently a good friend of mine told my parents (in front of me) about portions of my partying and dating/sex life that was not for their ears to hear. how would you respond to that? i have chosen to ignore said person until i can figure out a mature, yet standing my ground way to approach the situation.

how to fight lonliness...smile all the time...

yesterday evening as i was getting ready for bed, I was suddenly hit with a wave of lonliness. maybe it was because it was the first day in a long time where i went without much human contact. maybe i was overwhelmed by all the change. whatever it was, it sucked. granted, in the span of an hour, my feelings were hurt twice, so that could have been part of the cause. sometimes i feel overly judged about my relationship and wonder why others care so much. i know it's not them looking out for me, or they would proceed their judgement by saying that, and that would be ok. but, they never do that. i also feel lately like i try too hard to hang out with certain people. after a point, i just am tired of being turned down. if i ask someone to hang out or have lunch so many times and they say no a lot or never ask me if i want to do anything, there comes a point where i'll just stop trying. that point is now with a lot of people. =( so, all these negative thoughts were swimming in my head last night. luckily, today in my inbox was this...and it kind of helped. a little.

"Don't worry about your "negative" thoughts. They're par for the course in the jungles of time and space. Change them when you can, but when they overrun you, let them run. Because no matter how persistent they are, you can always spend just 5 minutes a day, in a quiet place, doing your best to imagine your dreams as if they've already come true; seeing yourself happy, laughing, smiling from ear to ear. This will be enough, it's always enough, even if while you're imagining, the negative thoughts creep in. After 5 minutes, leave it alone.
You're in time and space for one reason: to thrive. There's no 50/50 about it."

so, today i resolve to not let the negative thoughts and feelings take over. maybe my new years resolution should be to let go of the people who hurt me...

a new year

happy 2008!

after a week and a half off work, it's back to the real world. i just paid for my teaching certification classes and couldn't be more excited or scared! i have the job of my dreams now, but know this is something better for me and my future and overall happiness and today I officially began the process of getting there! it's so weird to think come august i could be a journalism or english teacher. guess there is no better way to start the new year than by pursuing something new! as scary of a step as this is, it may be the most unselfish choice i've made in a while. i'll be helping others rather than my wealthy boss, attending after school events for kids rather than bar openings and spending my summers traveling, doing activism and seeing my family. i can't wait!

everything with H continues to be overwhelmingly good and in the eyes of many, fast paced. after only two months we have met each other's parents, talked about getting married and he gave me a gorgeous diamond ring for christmas (a "placeholder" i guess you could call it). is this all happening suddenly and quickly? yes. are we rushing into things? not really. when you find the one and you are pretty certain of it, why not go where it takes you? this year i am preparing myself for life changes...marriage, kids, a mortgage, etc. i see all of that stuff happening in the next 5 years, so i better start getting ready. have i completely changed in some regards since october 26? yes. and i have never been happier =)