a reason to cancel.

"People say 'Everything happens for a reason.' These people are usually women. And these women are usually sorting through a break-up. It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a 'Goodbye,' But, apparently, women have to either get married or learn something." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

current stress of the day: trying to cancel on happy hour with the ex. we didn't get married (obviously!), so it's time for me to learn something and MOVE ON.

why did i even agree to see him? great question.

crazy nights...

tulsa, liz and me on our way to northgate.

ashley-bobby and me at republic.

sleepovers

it's funny how as soon as you say one thing, the exact opposite happens. like, that whole sleeping alone thing. the next night, mr. facebook slept over. what was supposed to be a fun happy hour with tulsa, turned into an awkward night of no chemisty and less that inspiring conversation. ok, i thought, just friends is perfectly ok with me. until his roommate and him left my roommate and i at the bar abruptly, having not paid for one of their pitchers. we were chased out by the waitress!!!!

obviously, this pissed us off, so we headed to another bar, where mr. facebook and his friend decide to join us. beer upon beer later they are at our apartment and end up staying the night.* beats spooning with cats!

the next night i do spend alone, having worked about 12 hours i didn't meet up with friends and went straight to bed, after cleverly dodging texts from mohawk. hmmmm. that guy makes absolutely no sense to me and i think he's a wino =) not that wine is bad....but he seems to live off of the stuff.

the next night is another adventure at knox st pub, where i meet a red raider. i tend to avoid red raiders because all they want to do is make fun of our football team, but i put up with this one because he is pretty cute and i'm pretty tired and don't feel like moving from my chair (plus, at this point i realize i might be in deperate need of a ride home later, as most of the girls i came with seemed to have "other plans" for the eveing). so, as it turns out, i do need a ride home, which his friend doesn't hesitate to give. granted this wasn't the safest idea, and they did almost get lost in south dallas, i made it home without a scratch. to repay the red raider for finding me a ride home, he stays the night.* 2 out of 3...not bad!

*this would all seem incredibly slutty, but NOTHING happened with either of these guys that even falls into the slut category, so innocent as charged!

cat lady? i think so.

i woke up this morning with keelee (the orange cat) between my legs and kirbi (the grey one) sprawled across my pillow. i bought these little balls of fur over a year ago when i lived alone and had miserably lonely nights. although i'm now not so lonely, living with one of my best friends and everything, they still make the best company, ecspecially when i am sad.

i'm not exactly sad right now, but a little dissapointed and misunderstood. i feel like when it comes to guys lately, i'm always the initiater. weird thing is...lots of my friends have said they feel the same way lately. the roomie said it may be an "epidemic." haha.

yesterday, mohawk and i (again) had talked about hanging out. i figured it wasn't going to happen and had other plans anyways, but it still bothered me when at 9:45 pm I had not heard anything from him. so....we start texting. and i start wanting to hurl my phone across the room at the ridiculous things he said and the way he couldnt get out what he was trying to say. i still don't really know! i dont think this kid really has a way with words.

basically, he doesn't know what he wants (ummm, i never said i wanted anything!), tends to lead people on (who admits that?) and apparently has had a rough few months (oh, poor guy, try rough year!) but ended the conversation asking what i'm doing this weekend. i'm very confused. might as well just file him under "been there, done that, should have hung onto his t-shirt."

looks like it's just gonna be me and the cats curled up in my bed for a while...

has it really been a year?

a year ago exactly the ex sent me this...and it is part of what spiraled into everything that is no longer there. 365 days later and i am no longer talking to him again. 365 days later and i don't miss him at all. but, i can't believe it's been a whole year. so much has happened and i'm basically exactly where i began.

"I really want to talk to you Carrie. I know you think I lied to you. I wasn't "with" anyone when you came in town that weekend and I'm being serious. I know that what I did was wrong though. Very wrong at that. But you don't understand how much I miss you. I miss everything. I miss the way you hated stand-up comedy. I miss the way you listened to "Soul Meets Body" in your car for like two straight months. I miss our trip home from Michigan with no cd player. I miss Thursdays at 7. I have been crying thinking about that stuff. I know you think i'm just lying and I realize this is completely inappropriate, but I can't stand the idea of us never speaking again, even if I did mess up really bad. I'm not a terrible person Carrie. You have to tell me that at some point in the future you will be able to speak to me again, even if it's a long time from now. I don't care as long as the answer isn't never. There has to be something that can be done to make things better. If there's not, then i'll be devastated. But please at least acknowledge me. I miss you so much. And I didn't used to act like I did. I'm sorry. I really am so so sorry Carrie."

fan mail, ex texts and mohawks- oh my!

i think it's really amusing when i get "fan mail" via facebook about my relationship column. it's usually from guys too. sometimes i have girls asking me to solve their relationship problem, which is funny since i can't seem to solve my own. here is my latest "fan mail."

"hey. i know this is semi-facebook stalkerish because we have never met, but i wanted to tell you that i really enjoy your sex in the station article. i catch a little bit of flak from my guy friends for it, but your writing is way too witty to miss. your article is pretty much the only reason to peruse the maroon weekly. just thought you should know that your work is appreciated. i hope all is well."

at least after almost 3 years, some guy out there is still reading the crap i make up!!!

speaking of crap...the ex texted me yesterday.

the ex: it sucks not talking to you.

romantic, eh? i didn't respond! me:1, the ex: 0

mohawk came over late on monday night...we talked, we kissed, we made plans to possibly see each other the next day. the next day comes around and except for a few e-mails back and forth regarding "green" architecture, there was no phone call or hanging out. and today via email it's as if we never discussed is, as he asked "so, what went on in the life of carrie yesterday?"

what went on? well, i gave up on you, that's what went on. ok ok...i'm not really pissed as i spent a fun night hanging out with the roommate, but still...nothing irks me more than guys who don't call when they say they will...

dreams and actions

It's not the size of your dreams that determines whether or not they come true, but the size of the actions you take that imply their inevitable arrival...

photos- yay!

this is my good friend lindsey and me at industry bar a few months back. i'm glad i finally figured out how to add photos to this this thing...this should be fun! =)

it's raining, it's pouring

do you ever have one of those days that you just feel good about? the house is clean, the finances are in order and you are determined to check everything off of your to-do list at record speed! today is one of those days. i just feel good. relaxed. content.

good things:
1) the rain making my room dark enough to sleep very soundly
2) my new yellow aldo purse!
3) the anticipation of things to come
4) the thunder adding noise to an otherwise silent office
5) a week filled with fun plans, and it's only monday!
6) the security conversations with my mom brings
7) knowing i am better off without him and really really believing it this time
8) wising up about people and things
9) halloween being so soon
10) no longer biting my nails and being able to paint them fun colors

a nice sunday night...

it's sunday night and i'm relaxing with a glass of wine and last week's episode of gossip girl. i think i just heard thunder, which is too bad, since the weather has been perfect for a week. a rainy monday to start off hell week at work. great.

on a happier note, i had a great weekend. knox st pub, football (although alll my team's lost), state fair, church, shopping, ikea. pretty great. and friday night i hung out with mohawk. and tonight i got asked to happy hour by tulsa. mr.facebook kept me amused through text messages all weekend long and would have come over friday night had i not been PDAing with mohawk at knox st for all of uptown dallas to see. oh well. i have a crush. on him. and it's getting bigger.

my lastest "singles horoscope" is pretty dead on:

"Your latest crush is anything but dull. If you could look into a crystal ball to see where this one's headed, you would. But you can't, so rely on your instinct. When it sends you a message, listen and act."

ok...well, i'm listening...

i've got a crush.

yes, it's true. i have a crush...on three guys. i feel like i'm 12 again. the funny part is, i don't feel like any of these crushes are going to go anywhere and that doesn't even bother me. i'm just trying to have fun. they are all putting out effort to talk to me and hang out, so it's not like i'm chasing after three guys who want nothing to do with me, so that's a relief. anything to keep the ex off the brain and out of the heart!

mr. facebook- ok, i know he isn't looking for anything serious, but he's hot and fun and a good guy to keep around. said he's going to be in my area for a bachelor party on saturday and will give me a call...we'll see what transpires...

tulsa- i don't really know this guy that well, or at all really. but, once again he's cute and fun. plus, he lives about 5 minutes from me. he texted me today about how he wishes we were drinking on a patio. hmmmm. i do still have his shoes from last weekend...

mohawk- have i given him a different name? i don't remember. anywho, he's the guy i made out with in the bathroom at the game watching party a few weeks back. we've been emailing and texting a lot lately and trying to make plans for the weekend. would i date a guy who has a mohawk and a tatoo running the length of his arm? something new is never bad i guess!

hopefully all these guys don't jumble up together in one awkward night, like what happened with some guys last weekend...shit, hopefully i see one of them. should be an interesting weekend. going out. football watching. fair. =)

writing...

lately, writing, whether it's for the magazine or the paper, has become kind of a chore. i feel like i've lost my muse and have had trouble finding my voice.

then, i came across these quotes about writing and am starting to remember why since I can remember, this is all i've wanted to do. when i was younger, i wrote novels and poetry books for everyone as presents. i tried to write my autobiography when i was 8. i guess...i am a writer.


"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else."
- Gloria Steinem

"Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it; write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will care for it."
- Jesse Stuart

"I can’t help but to write, I have a inner need for it. If I’m not in the middle of some literary project, I’m utterly lost, unhappy and distressed. As soon as I get started, I calm down.:
- Kaari Utrio

vicious cycle

bet you can't guess who has upset me once more?

if you guessed the ex, then *ding ding ding* you'd be right. and, of course, everyone says to just ignore him. texts. phone calls. eveything. how many times have a attempted that? it's only been semi-successful one time. and after than time he fell back in love with me.

there is no love left. i am burnt out. bitter. angry. tired of feeling anything for him. i want the thought of him to disgust me. it's beginning to. it's sad that someone i loved so much can make me feel like this.

nicknames

i forgot to mention....mr.facebook has a nickname for me as well. i'm lovingly referred to as "the editor."

do you think he has a secret blog where he talks about me too???? haha.

and nothing really changes...

it's still blistering hot out, but, so far, i'm loving fall. i spent the last two wonderful weekends in college station and realized more than ever how much i miss that place and my friends there. they really are some of my best friends i've ever had and i cannot wait till they graduate and *hopefully* move here. i need them in my life a lot more than i realized. they get me. they know my past. they accept my stupidity with boys and let me be who and how i am.

this past weekend was ecspecially eventful at the boy end of things. friday night the ex saw TWO guys kiss me...oops. as mr. facebook approached me at a bar and engulfed me in a huge hug, the ex walked over and stood on my other side. my friends cracked up knowingly. i followed mr. facebook inside and he kissed me, just in time for the ex to walk up, stunned. that was followed by about a dozen angry/ hurt text messages. then, at the next bar, tulsa (my college best friend's brother's roommate...if that makes any sence) starts holding my hand and kissing me. oh, and of course he lives 5 minutes from me in dallas! haha. he's cute and fun and smart. so, it's great. but, of course, the ex sees us kiss. at this point i am two for two. more text messages come.

i continue the night by hanging out with tulsa. making out with tulsa. waking up on the floor with tulsa gone...and a nice akward next morning.

the next night i am pretty drunk and sick by the time the boys show up. there is no sign of tulsa, but the ex is haunting me. i had apologized earlier for the previous night, but as i run into his friends, they all say he plans to ignore me. then i see him. he is sick as well and we end up holding hands, kissing and saying "i love you" about a hundred times. looking back, it was a pretty ridiculous, drunken PDA that would not have happened if we hadn't been so drunk and vulnerably sick. i'm kind of sad it happened because it gave me false hope.

as the bars close and everyone is kicked outside, mr.facebook emerges needing a ride home. he dances drunkenly with my friends and walks with us for what seems like miles to my friends car. we hold hands. we kiss. it's dumb and ridiculous, but in my delirium, i don't care. i know he's drunk and i know that back here, in dallas, nothing will have changed.

we end up not spending the night together because his best friend and his best friend's brother are in some sort of trouble. probably better that i woke up alone.

now, back in dallas, everything is the same. as if the ex never said he loved me, as if mr.facebook wasn't all over me. as if i never met tulsa. nothing has changed, except for my heart.