more to me than him

somedays (like today), i want to write him a letter telling him everyway he made me feel. from happy to sad to happy to sad again. about how now, when i see him or think of him i realize how wrong you can be about yourself and someone else. you think you know yourself until you realize you can't identify the one you are supposed to be with, until you know you deserve much better than you ever thought you could imagine. with him, it was the highest highs and lowest lows. i fell deeper in love than i thought i ever would and felt worse about myself and my life than i ever imagined possible. it was the best and the worst kind of love. when i hear people say "he's the one," i never believe it, because i was wrong about that for more than two years. i know that i am wrong not because i've met someone i would choose over him, but because i am overjoyed that i can be happy about a guy that is NOT him.

what it is and what it may be

when the ex called last night, i pushed ignore on my phone with no hesitation.

"even if that was a good conversation," i told my roommate," it still would ruin my perfectly good mood."

i had spend another wonderful sunday with mr. facebook. we simply hung out at his condo again, watching tv and movies and talking. we cuddled and joked and sat close as if we were together and had known each other longer than a week. it does feel like longer than that. we called and texted all weekend...and as soon as he dropped his parents off at the airport, he called me to hang out. my best friend is worried about his motives...and after some of the guys i've been through, that's to be expected. but, i know this guy is different. it scares me to put such an expectation on this, because if there is anything that i learned from the ex, it's that expectations cause tears. at least i know this one isn't just in it for the physical aspect, or we wouldn't hang out for hours. he can't just be playing me and stringing me along either, or the e-mails all day would be worthless. so, i will just have high hopes for this one. he came along at the right time and i'm going to enjoy it for what it is and whatever it may become. he's a great guy. he's what i look for in a guy. right now i am happier then i've been in a long time and i'm perfectly ok with riding this happiness for however long i can.

michigan in less than three days makes everything that much more amazing right now.

overcome.

it's strange how hanging out a few time, a million e-mails and a few charming text messages and phone conversations can make one swoon...ok, it's actually not strange at all and it's exactly how i'm feeling. mr.facebook and i's e-mail banter is still going strong. we've extended it to text mesages and phone calls too. and we are hanging out this sunday. and i can't wait.

although i've only known him a week, i really like him and have high hopes. i know i'm usually so cynical about suck things...like, when my friend's swear a guy is "the one" after a few dates. maybe i'm simply overcome by the attention. whatever it is, i like this feeling and i intend to run with it as long as i can!

as for the ex...we had dinner last night. it was actually kind of boring. we did talk a little about us and he admitted that he too finds it hard to just be friends. he said that although a lot went wrong on monday, he still likes me and when he returns from tampa in two weeks, he wants to hang out more. i think we both just got overcome with talking and making plans when he was in tampa the last time, that we didn't stop to be realistic about what was happening between us. yes, we have a connection that in undeniable, but are either of us ever real about how it will all work? we've broken up twice and have been trying to figure out where our love belongs in the grand scheme of our lives for YEARS. maybe it is time we stop trying to figure everything out and just start living. being happy. together or apart. it's not a goodbye i guess, but a not now. not until it's right. we both keep fighting for what the other doesn't want. maybe we are finally ready to stop fighting. maybe i'll find happiness elsewhere and maybe he will too. maybe we will together. all i know is that's not gonna determine itself overnight, or this week, or next.

polar opposites!

Mr. Facebook tracked down my e-mail address Monday morning and we've been e-mailing back and forth all week. He is really funny and he actually might drive the 30 minutes to hang out with my friends and me tonight. Even if he doesn't come, the fact that he said he wants to see me is enough. He's making an effort, which is completely new to me. If this guy turns out to be the real deal, I'd consider myself very lucky. It seems like just a few months ago I was giving the same rave reviews about the accountant, but this guy seems more down to earth and the fact that he went to A&M is a huge plus. this guy is also a lot more aggresive than the accountant, which is good for someone as impatient as I am. we have talked everyday since we met and i like that.

as for the ex....well, when he came over on monday, i was slightly bitter feeling toward him and thinkgs between us did not go so well. i spent most of yesterday sad about that and wondering how he could change his mind about everything with one little incident. he is so unstable in his feelings towards me and that is not a quality i'm looking for. i need stability. so, the whole dating thing, if it happens, will take more time. we still are meeting for dinner tommorow, but it is no longer a "date." he leaves again for tampa on sunday. this time, i'm happy. i have time to focus on not messing stuff up with mr.facebook :)

the ex perplex

last monday i wrote about how the ex crawled his way back in, begging for another chance. i think he was just lonely in tampa and didn't know how to handle it. the dallas him is back....and that's not a good thing. since being home, he hasn't really called and when we have talked, it's been for five minutes. he even admitted that we won't be talking much cause now he's back near his friends and he's not lonely. wow...how sweet. i think he was more into this whole dating thing when he was far far away. we shall see how tonight goes (him hanging out with all of my friends) and how our date goes on thursday. if they aren't good, the ties will be severed. against my will, i have waited. if it's not worth it, so be it and i move on. even if nothing ever happens with mr.facebook, spending all day with him made me realize there are great guys with their minds made up about life who think i'm something and someone worth spending their day with. i don't remember the last time the ex and i spent that much time together.

online dating...but not

online dating is not for me. i figure i can meet the same kind of guys at bars- desperate. liars. look better than they really do. but, when a very very attractive guy poked me on facebook last thursday, i couldn't help but be a little curious. most random facebook pokers are weird/ugly. this guy was hot.

so, i messaged him and asked him why he poked me...did we know each other? we then had a back and forth facebook message conversation all day friday. friday night, out of all the bars in dallas and all the people to run into, who do i see? HIM. coincidence? yeah. weird one too. that night we only talked for about 5 minutes and it was pretty akward. the chances of us running into each other at the 1,000 + person pub crawl the next day...slim to none. but, as coincidence would have it again, i see him at the last bar on our 5 bar journey. we hang out, kiss drunkenly and he gets my number. after we go our own ways, we meet back up at the after party. and drunkenly make out somemore. after leaving we text message all night and decide to hang out sunday. at this point i've sobered up and am thinking it's just drunk talk and i'll never hear from mr. facebook again (yes, we shall call him mr.facebook). well, he actually called yesterday and we spent SEVEN hours together. i saw a movie with him and his 6 best friends (only mildly intimidating), then we hung out at his gorgeous condo watching tv, movies, eating pizza and making out (all sober). i think if a guy wants to hang out for that long, there is a very good chance he'll call again...and won't pull an accountant!

funny that i began my summer with the stoner (the guy who is going nowhere) to possibly ending it with mr.facebook (smart, funny, HOT!). hopefully this transpires into something...

revelations

interesting weekend...

worked 16 hours friday and didn't get to do anything. saturday i went to a friend's bachelorette party and midnight snack met up with us later. and stayed over. i'm beginning to remember why i haven't talked to him as much as i did in june...he's very shady. he spent half the night at the bar talking to a cougar (ew). his friends are even worse. needless to say, that whole debauchary between him and I is over. he kind of grosses me out.

just like i thought, as soon as i decide to not talk to the ex, he comes back strong. declaring his love. making promises. begging me to wait for me. begging for a chance. i think he called me 5 times yesterday. he returns from tampa saturday and asked me to go on a date with him next week. i thought i was done with him. with that. maybe i'm just beginning. or....am i just getting drug back in when he assumes i'm backing out?

haven't talked to the accountant in a while. i thought date 1 and 2 both went well. then after going to his soccer game, i thought i scored major points. he may be perfect, but maybe not for me. actually, definitely not for me. i will never have that kind of patience.

letting him go...really.

the ex is in tampa. he hasn't called, but has sent short, meaningless text messages. although he said he's call. more photos of him and the girl he says he doesn't like are posted online. they seem to hang out a lot. i don't think he likes me like he says. i think he just wants me to wait around for him to possibly come around. he wants me to stay around as his option. if he ever decides to grow up, and not just SAY he's growing up, he figures i'll be there ready. i wasn't ready last time i let him back in. i made it hard for him. but, i caved too soon. i feel like i'm caving again, but without him asking me to. without him even being sure he wants me to. he doesn't seem to care about me in the way i deserve for him to.

after my cousins wedding and the whole "husband finding game," i think maybe my family does have something right. i need to stop wasting my time. i'll never be open to a relationship with the ex still bouncing around in my heart. i need to let go. and not fake let go like i say every other week, but really, truly, take down his pictures, ignore his calls LET HIM GO.

i started with a text message this morning.

me: you don't care about me, so let me get over this.

there was no response.

i have decided to rechannel my ex energy into working out. 3 weeks until the beach, so this should work out nicely.



A quote I like...

Live your dreams now, to any degree that you can. With every purchase. Every decision. Every hello and goodbye. Every assignment. Every conversation. Every meal. Every morning, afternoon and evening. And never, ever, ever look back.

the "find carrie a husband" game.

my dad's side of the family is very fixated on me getting married. ever since my brother tied the knot two years ago, it's become a common topic. where will we find carrie a husband? when my cousin (who is 5 days my senior) got engaged a year and a half ago, everyone wanted to know when my boyfriend and I would (that boyfriend would be the ex).

so, natuarally, while at said cousin's wedding in way north michigan this past weekend, my singularity was a very popular topic of discusion.

"our family friend met her nice boyfriend on match.com, maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea."

"i know you'll marry the ex. always have."

"i know the PERFECT guy....he's your cousins high school friend. he should be here any minute."

"that guy over there is single. his mom still has him by the umbilical cord. and he's 30. but he'd just looooooove you!"

"i bet you'll be married in two years. to someone."

i think everyone forgets that i am 23. noone will kick the bucket before i get married (like my grandparents fear) and i am in no race to have children. my biological clock doesn't even have batteries yet! i know i won't die alone as a weird cat lady....so why does my entire family think o might if i don't (or they don't) do something????

hello august.

june saw lots and lots of guys. july saw a return of the ex. what will august have in store?